Hurt and Despair

You know I try to treat everyone with respect and with compassion. I go out of my way for everyone I know. Friends, Family, and strangers it doesn't matter who it is I will do what I can for them... whether it is money, a shoulder, a hug, a home, or what ever it is that is needed. I love people I believe in them, trust them... and enevitably I am always shot through the head and heart. I don't understand why this happens... I don't know what i do to deserve this... I get the "I don't want to talk to you"... No explaination, the lies, the hurt... I cry myself to sleep... I spend wakeless nights... I sit in the shower and cry and cry while my heart breaks in tooo... all for what ---- Something that Means absolutely nothing... my friendship, my love, my compassion, my---- means so very little to anyone... that i can just be cut by the deceit... and left for "dead" as if i were nothing... not even a glimmer of in ones eye... People go "I Love You" but it means nothing... i find that they didn't love me at all... just wanted to use me... and as i always i fall for it... I believe it... and those damn little words bring me in and then tear me apart... Why do I mean so little to people... why is it ... I do not know....

The Census

Ok everyone who knows me knows that I am into Genealogy. I love learning about my family where they come from where they went to... why how etc... I love the proudness of my family. Over the last 20 years or so I have been collecting information on my family and most of it from the census. to be able to look at the pages where my grandfather or grandmother put their name occupation who all lived with them and what they did... where they were born and so forth. I just recieved this year's census... it asked for my name, birthday, phone number, address... who lived with me... but it didn't aske what i did... didn't ask anything about me than that... what's the deal.... oh i forgot it asked if i was white.... now to me that is way too little information they need... but then again the government knows to much.... but what if my great great grandchild wants to know about me... well what if i didn't leave anything behind for them to know what are they going to find out about me from the census... I lived in a home i bought in Okemah... I was born July 21, 1966 and i was caucasian... and i lived alone... wow and to think i am seeing from my grandfathers 1860 cenus i knew he was a farmer and he owned land... and slaves and so forth... and all his children both married and single lived with him or next door... I just hope that anyone who gets the cesus... does return it filled out... but also leaves behind a legacy to their family that tells them who they were what they thought, what they liked their passions... so that further down the road no one is just guessing...

Just a tidbit

hey all... anyone who knows me knows i love to eat, cook, smell food of all types... but with this lapband i have found that my tolerance or my taste have changed considerably... much less the amount i can eat now... now more of the 3, 4 5 courses i am limited to 1/4 to 1/2 cup - 3 meals a day... no more than that... i can not eat and drink at the same time... and i am limited to sip my drinks so the rest of the day i have to drink to get my 8 cups in... but all in all it is ok... i am just picky now when i eat... now that being said... one thing that has happened is that my tiny tummy can not and will not tolerate grease of any kind sooooo no more juicy hamburgers, fried foods etc... So i had to find a new way to get in my hamburgers, chili, spagetti etc ... but as you all know or will know i can no longer eat pasta or bread (i sneak in a few bites here and there of bread and hope i do not throw up.) Well I have learned to boil my hamburger .... yes boil it.... i buy the 80/20 5 lb rolls and boil it down for 30 to 45 minutes... then i package it in 1/2 lb packages to use later in meals... but i can do anything with it... i make taco's... minus the shells, i make spagetti less the pasta.... i make hamburgers...less the bun... actually on the burger part... i make a salad.... a big mac salad..... all beef patties, special sauce (thousand island dressing), lettuse, cheese, pickles, and onions.... less the sesame seed bun.... a quarter pounder is just hamburger, cheese, pickles, onions, mayo and ketchup.... (ok mix the mayo and ketchup up to make your dressing) but it isn't bad if you miss hamburgers.... spagetti... just hamburger and sauce... whatever you like Ragu, or my diabetic fav is Rao's (order it online) I don't miss the noodles... with a little side salad... and whala... you have a spagetti dinner... Tonight i am having tacos... hamburger, taco seasoning, salsa, refried beans, a little lettuse, cheese, sour cream.... avacados.... taco salad.... what have you... it's all in how you look at it... i still go out to eat .. i usually take home.. or split it with Gavyn.... but don't ever go on a diet and think you are missing out on everything... because you aren't... you are just adjusting your attitude......

Well I've done it

Well as usual i have done it. Thinking i Could do it all by myself.... I moved some furniture. yep i moved it... but i strained too much i think... i broke something in my left eye... now i have a dark spot in my vision... I don't know what i was thinking... I was just trying to move some things around and it burst... just like a clog... and now a dark spot... that i keep thinking something is right next to my left side of my face.... i called Dr. Nanda and when he called me back he told me that nothing could be done un til he gets in there to do the buckle...

the girls (blossem, chloe, and daisey) have been raising cane today. I can't get them to settle down to take a nap.... nope they want to bark at the tree trimmer outside... who ever said i liked dogs.... ooooppppppssss i did... yeah i love my little girls but on some days i wish they were mute... and today it is one of those days... yess they are spoiled rotten.... but i do love them... just not right now.... of course puggies are a joy to be around... i have to admit through all of this blindness and so forth they have been there for me... keeping out of my stumbling path... and keeping quite when i was resting... and when i was having to lay face down after this last surgery i had gotten chloe to sleep on my shoulders so i wouldn't turn over in my sleep... the only time i did turn over was when she got off....