Hurt and Despair

You know I try to treat everyone with respect and with compassion. I go out of my way for everyone I know. Friends, Family, and strangers it doesn't matter who it is I will do what I can for them... whether it is money, a shoulder, a hug, a home, or what ever it is that is needed. I love people I believe in them, trust them... and enevitably I am always shot through the head and heart. I don't understand why this happens... I don't know what i do to deserve this... I get the "I don't want to talk to you"... No explaination, the lies, the hurt... I cry myself to sleep... I spend wakeless nights... I sit in the shower and cry and cry while my heart breaks in tooo... all for what ---- Something that Means absolutely nothing... my friendship, my love, my compassion, my---- means so very little to anyone... that i can just be cut by the deceit... and left for "dead" as if i were nothing... not even a glimmer of in ones eye... People go "I Love You" but it means nothing... i find that they didn't love me at all... just wanted to use me... and as i always i fall for it... I believe it... and those damn little words bring me in and then tear me apart... Why do I mean so little to people... why is it ... I do not know....

The Census

Ok everyone who knows me knows that I am into Genealogy. I love learning about my family where they come from where they went to... why how etc... I love the proudness of my family. Over the last 20 years or so I have been collecting information on my family and most of it from the census. to be able to look at the pages where my grandfather or grandmother put their name occupation who all lived with them and what they did... where they were born and so forth. I just recieved this year's census... it asked for my name, birthday, phone number, address... who lived with me... but it didn't aske what i did... didn't ask anything about me than that... what's the deal.... oh i forgot it asked if i was white.... now to me that is way too little information they need... but then again the government knows to much.... but what if my great great grandchild wants to know about me... well what if i didn't leave anything behind for them to know what are they going to find out about me from the census... I lived in a home i bought in Okemah... I was born July 21, 1966 and i was caucasian... and i lived alone... wow and to think i am seeing from my grandfathers 1860 cenus i knew he was a farmer and he owned land... and slaves and so forth... and all his children both married and single lived with him or next door... I just hope that anyone who gets the cesus... does return it filled out... but also leaves behind a legacy to their family that tells them who they were what they thought, what they liked their passions... so that further down the road no one is just guessing...

Just a tidbit

hey all... anyone who knows me knows i love to eat, cook, smell food of all types... but with this lapband i have found that my tolerance or my taste have changed considerably... much less the amount i can eat now... now more of the 3, 4 5 courses i am limited to 1/4 to 1/2 cup - 3 meals a day... no more than that... i can not eat and drink at the same time... and i am limited to sip my drinks so the rest of the day i have to drink to get my 8 cups in... but all in all it is ok... i am just picky now when i eat... now that being said... one thing that has happened is that my tiny tummy can not and will not tolerate grease of any kind sooooo no more juicy hamburgers, fried foods etc... So i had to find a new way to get in my hamburgers, chili, spagetti etc ... but as you all know or will know i can no longer eat pasta or bread (i sneak in a few bites here and there of bread and hope i do not throw up.) Well I have learned to boil my hamburger .... yes boil it.... i buy the 80/20 5 lb rolls and boil it down for 30 to 45 minutes... then i package it in 1/2 lb packages to use later in meals... but i can do anything with it... i make taco's... minus the shells, i make spagetti less the pasta.... i make hamburgers...less the bun... actually on the burger part... i make a salad.... a big mac salad..... all beef patties, special sauce (thousand island dressing), lettuse, cheese, pickles, and onions.... less the sesame seed bun.... a quarter pounder is just hamburger, cheese, pickles, onions, mayo and ketchup.... (ok mix the mayo and ketchup up to make your dressing) but it isn't bad if you miss hamburgers.... spagetti... just hamburger and sauce... whatever you like Ragu, or my diabetic fav is Rao's (order it online) I don't miss the noodles... with a little side salad... and whala... you have a spagetti dinner... Tonight i am having tacos... hamburger, taco seasoning, salsa, refried beans, a little lettuse, cheese, sour cream.... avacados.... taco salad.... what have you... it's all in how you look at it... i still go out to eat .. i usually take home.. or split it with Gavyn.... but don't ever go on a diet and think you are missing out on everything... because you aren't... you are just adjusting your attitude......

Well I've done it

Well as usual i have done it. Thinking i Could do it all by myself.... I moved some furniture. yep i moved it... but i strained too much i think... i broke something in my left eye... now i have a dark spot in my vision... I don't know what i was thinking... I was just trying to move some things around and it burst... just like a clog... and now a dark spot... that i keep thinking something is right next to my left side of my face.... i called Dr. Nanda and when he called me back he told me that nothing could be done un til he gets in there to do the buckle...

the girls (blossem, chloe, and daisey) have been raising cane today. I can't get them to settle down to take a nap.... nope they want to bark at the tree trimmer outside... who ever said i liked dogs.... ooooppppppssss i did... yeah i love my little girls but on some days i wish they were mute... and today it is one of those days... yess they are spoiled rotten.... but i do love them... just not right now.... of course puggies are a joy to be around... i have to admit through all of this blindness and so forth they have been there for me... keeping out of my stumbling path... and keeping quite when i was resting... and when i was having to lay face down after this last surgery i had gotten chloe to sleep on my shoulders so i wouldn't turn over in my sleep... the only time i did turn over was when she got off....

Hi All I am back

Well folks I am back like a bad penny I can see well enough to start writing this blog again. actually to be able to see the screen has been a bit tricky but you know here i am back again with one half ass good eye... my right seems to be maintaining it's own... while alas the left eye is going to heck in a hand basket... yep retina has detached and i have one more surgery in the near future to try and save the darn thing... yep a scleral buckle is in my future for the left eye... a piece of plastic is sew around my eye ball to pull the retina in while a dose of silicone oil is place in front of the retina in hopes to sandwich it in and let it pull back together... only a 70 percent chance of it working but if i don't try it won't ever get better... maybe i will be a one eyed gal... but i bet i will be the skinniest .... yep that is right i am down 168 lbs... wearing of all things a size 12 or a large... yep and My mom has lost 75 lbs... isn't that great... this lap band was the best thing for me even though it is not going to cure my diabetes like i had hoped... unfortunately i will always be diabetic and on meds because i have screwed up my liver and my pancreas.... so i am unfortunately a "brittle" diabetic... well so much for being fully cured... but life goes on and we all try to do better... i am eating better... and i have lost weight and i am trying to get life back in order... i can see now enough to be able to drive a little well just around town and on really good days over to shawnee but cloudy or foggy days forget it i won't even attempt the small things... but my family has been very generous to me in taking me places and helping me out i can never thank them enough... well going to go.... Oh and i can sew again... i am taking it carefully but i have sewn a part of a quilt and have embroidered a couple things... i am sooooo sewwwww happy.... and i have read a book... my passions are back...yipppeeee.... pictures are soon to come.

I was sorry to hear that My Uncle Ed and My Uncle Woodrow have passed on. But on a better note my Cousin Katherine is about to be expecting and my cousin Cori is expecting... congradulations to them both.

The things I am Greatful For....

You know this time of year I think everyone should sit and reflect over the year over their blessings, trials and so forth. I have been doing so over the last few weeks and I have relized that i have been blessed so much this year that i can even begin to express even a small part of what i am greatful for.

I can however tell all of you that i am greatful for my family and friends for without you guys i would never ever be able to be at the point i am at now. able to see and able to get around. my mom and dad have been wonderful to me far more than they should have been and i can never begin to repay them for their help. Jodi , Gavyn and Doug have also been so good to me that i can never repay them toting the blind woman around, helping her walk and appointment trips and so forth. Marc has been good too to make sure i get where i need to go. Kimberly, Bill, Dalton and Colby have also been there to help with the simple chores or rides. and then the many phone calls, emails and just good thoughts from those of you that have done so. Believe me I can never repay all your kindness effieciently.

It is my hope and wishes that this year has been good to all of you and that next year will be even better.

Ok another point... Marc took me to Big Lots yesterday. has anyone ever been there... what a wonderful place... it is like a super big dollar store... big first Tonka trucks for 5 dollars... Madam Alexander dolls for 15 dollars... i know that these are last years or previous years items but they are new and just as nice for any child. Marc even bought some Banquet Complete Meals there for a 1 dollar. and at Walmart they were like 6 or 8 dollars... we actually went to Dollar Store too and there were complete outfits for boys... jeans, shirts and hats for 6 dollars... now i am finished with Christmas and the wrapping begins.... So far i have only had to rewrap 2 boxes. My grandpuppy Foxy, the Corgi had to help me out by chewing on the bows

Size 12 Jeans and a shot

i can't believe it... I am in a size 12 jeans.... pinch me i still can't believe it... and so many compliments today from Dr. Nanda and his staff... i am blushing...of courst my size 12 jeans over took the shot in the eye of avastin... Ok peples how many of you can allow a doctor to come at your eye with a needle. all without the benefit of a tranquilizer.... but 3rd time is a charm... hopefully it will do what it is supposed to do... clear the blood.... but if not maybe surgery in 2 months.... but until the the ultra sound showed no new growth and the hole in the macula is completely gone... just like those 159 lbs..... hmmmm SIZE `12...... i still can't believe my ass got into a size 12.... i haven't been a 12 since maybe middle school.... and i didn't even have to lay down onthe bed to button... i could stand up and actually button the button and zip up without any trouble... hmmm and in a size 12 no less... ok i think now i am just gloating....Christmas time is here... it is wonderful this christmas.... i am thinner... mom is thinner.... gavyn is here.... dad is getting around good.... jodi is still a pain in the fanny but i do appreciate her and love her to pieces.... hmmm i am so greatful for a lot of things.... my family, my friends.... my girls.... my doctors.... everything i am totally thankful and greatful for it all....

Eye Doctors and Eyes

Hi all. Well i went today to the regular eye doctor because i am needing new glasses. Well i already knew left eye was not an option as far as getting glasses and wasn't sure where my right eye was... but guess what... I can legally drive in the state of Oklahoma and all other 49 states.... for a one eyed driver i needed to have 20/80 vision or better... before i would have limitations set upon me... i have 20/35 vision... according to Dr. Lavale I am doing great for all that i have gone through... and he has ordered my glasses so that i can see things clearer... i am so thankful... he even told me that my eyes looked very good for as much as i have had done to them. But I get to start sewing again... and driving again... no one would understand it unless you have been without driving.... so just a couple more weeks... then look out.... tomorrow i go back to the surgeon and find out about another left eye surgery.... so on to better things... hmmm i am wondering which to do first... quilt wize.... i am thinking Jodi's wedding quilt... but then again i am thinking about one i saw in a magazine last night....Well Christmas is next week.... I only got Gavyn and Bailey things... I didn't get very much this year because money is tight... but Gavyn will love his new 4 wheeler... it is a little 12 volt battery powered 4 wheeler... i am excited about giving it to him... it is just big enough for him but he will love it... he loves the 4 wheeler and gator that his dad and Papa (my dad) have... I have found that the best place to get him some clothes is at the Dollar Store... nice little outfits that aren't name brand but 5 to 10 bucks for a whole outfit... that boy is growing so right now name brand wouldn't be a good thing.... Now Bailey who is Marc's daughter is 10... I got her a few things I think a young girl will like... of course i am relearning about young girls because Jodi wasn't a normal girl she didn't like the girly things... but Bailey does... Marc is having a hard time of it now because he has colon cancer that has spread to his liver.... he is going through 5 and 1/2 weeks of radiation and chemo and i know it is hard on him... and especially here at christmas... that is why i volunteered to help him buy christmas and birthday for Bailey... because he just couldn't go do it.... between 5 days of radiation and 5 days of chemo and working 5 or 6 days a weeks... it takes its toll on him... i do feel bad for him and i know he is having it tougher than i am... but i am in hopes that all will be ok for him in the end... hmmm being 40 and sick is for the birds... i am just lucky that it's my eyes and not a lot worse...

The Sleepover

The best thing about being a Mimi is that I can spoil the child and then send him home. Last night I had a sleep over. Now where else can a little man have corn dogs, cheetoes, jelly beans, yogos and crystal light, wear snow men pajamas and sleep with three dogs. Well Gavyn spent his first night with Mimi, i have to admit i was a little scared about having him there and having him want to go home but oh no he was ready to stay. Our night was wonderful he ate corn dogs and the like then we had a shower in mimi's big shower. he loved it. He could scream and have it echo, run through the water, and flap his hands and spray water all over the place. My shower is 5 feet by 6 feet with a large shower head in the center. we had a long warm shower shared by Chloe and Blossem, Daisy didn't want to get her paws wet but Chloe and Blossem loved running around the edge to get away from Gavyn. Then we got out and got dressed for bed... then we laid down for a winter nap.... oh and it took about 30 minutes to get all situated... the Girls were dislodged from around me and Gavyn sleeps wildly so they were misplaced most of the night. Gavyn slept the night through and was up at 4 a.m. but we laid back down for another 2 hours or so he thought it was fun to say boo at the top of his lung this morning at 4... but when he knew that the Girls had to sleep he laid quietly so they could get their beauty rest. I don't think his mother thought i was capable... but we did it.... got the first one out of the way.... and even had breakfast this morning.... athough he started acting up when his mother arrived...

I am Back..... just like the dinosaurs

Hi everyone, well I am Back.... yes i will probably watch Land Before Time--- with my grandson Gavyn. Well it has been a while. but i am 159 lbs less than i was last year at this time. My eyes are getting better --- well i hope. Right eye is doing ok... Left eye is still blank... but possible surgery to correct is right around the corner... I am hoping to get some pictures done for everyone to see the new and improved Brenda. 192 lbs... can you believe it... 192 i am below 200 lbs... my tat that i am going to get next year is going to commemorate it... yes me a tattoo...I actually could see my face the other day in the mirror... i almost didn't recognize myself and had to look again.... I almost looked like my high school pictures... well i was blonder then... but close... oh and i had a perm all the time back then too... but i am closer than i have been in years... and wearing a 12/14 is wonderful

hey everyone....

well it has been some time but i am back for the moment.... two saturday's ago the large blood clot desided to bust up imparing my eyesite in the process... the blood and the debris is covering the macula creating a distorted view like looking through vaseline. it has been difficult at best this last week... and then going to Dr. Nanda and get more laser treatments was not a fun time at all.... then Dr. Nanda told methat I may need a Viterectomy to remove the blood and debris.... believe me guys it is not somthing that i want to have happen...it was a fun time last week going to work because i really couldn't see out of my right eye and my weak eye which is the left was not up to par. I ran up on cars that i never saw... and people on the side of the road i never seen. It scared me a lot.

well this weekend has proved to be so bad.... i ended up getting sick with a bug .... and threw up slobber and so forth.... but i am better now....

well 82 lbs.... yeah yeah yeah......

ok.... i love schlotsky's bbq chicken pizza.... so i came up with something myself.... i took a rotisserie chicken, bbq sauce, onions, black olives and mozzarella cheese piled up on a low carb tortilla...

ok folks... i have blown this up to 150 percent and have typed this.... i can't see out of my eyes... soooo i am going to go now... love ya

Moved out to the lake

Well it is that time of year again.... Mom has moved out to the lake. I went out there yesterday and it was so cold coming off the water that we stayed inside the trailer. It seems to me a lot of trouble to just be out at the lake. But i guess for them it is fun....

I have babies now.... baby tomato's that is.... yeahhhhhh yeahhhh yeah.... i just found the little green balls this morning.... my Tomato Trees a working again this year....

well that is all folks....

Two New Teeth

I have to talk about my Grandson Gavyn... you can see pictures of him on his mom's blog (Just add Bugs) ... Gavyn is a precious thing I could say a gift from God or whatever but he is more than that... He is the reason I am alive.... I had to have a purpose in life and i have come to understand that the major part of my purpose was to have Jodi, a wonderful young woman whom I have had the enjoyment to watch grow up and and become a productive human being and although i can say a lot about my daughter and how much I love her and how much i appreciate her and how beautiful and how smart and so forth I am not going to do that today because I have to talk about another part of my purpose in life and that is her son Gavyn. Oh everyone he is a dream, healthy, smart, handsome.... of course he is also stubborn, spoiled, and moody but he is a great gift.... to have the time to watch this child grow over the last few months to watch him learn and to see him just live has been so very special. This last weekend he learned to drink from a straw... oh it was so funny to watch him just drink and drink and drink cold tea... his diapers were full by the end of the day... now we have two new teeth coming in the top ones he doesn't seem to whine about them but he chews on everything like my arm or my finger.... or a chewie.... i feel so sorry for him because if he could just get them through he feel so much better. Oh and he is a green bean boy... that boy loves green beans too bad his mother doesn't like veggies (my sister Kimberly is responsible for this) or else she would fix them for him... I can't wait to see what the next weeks, months, years bring for this boy or for me but I am sure going to enjoy all of it.
It's raining again today like we need more... oh I know in the summer we will be bitching about it but my yard is so water logged.... and the girls can't hardly go out to pee because the water is standing... and oh the ticks and mosquitos.... lord i hate those things... the ticks are ravenous this year and many of them....
well got to run my peeps.... tata for now.... love ya

I''m Back

Hey all, Good Monday Morning to everyone.... well I am back after last weeks laser. I have a lot to tell. Jodi took me up to Oklahoma Retinal Institute on Wednesday morning. my appointment was at 8 a.m. and we got there right on time. I took a Loratab that Dr. Davis gave me so that I would be calm and wouldn't fight it. Lord I do not know how people get hooked on those things. They knock me for a freaking loop. i took it in the car and by the time we arrived at the 7th floor my legs were jelly.... I could have been poured right out of the seat well i went in and the technician dilated my eyes and took a new scan... this thing is neat really neat it takes a real life picture of the inside of your eyes.... now this picture showed the big blood clot in my right eye that i keep looking through but it also showed the swelling near my retina and all the debris in both eyes... the Debris is the rbc (red blood cells) that have broken up but the particles are still in the eye... causing the visceral fluid to increase causing the swelling. the tech let me look at the pictures and you could see all of it.... all of the particles the blood clot and the swelling lump near the retina. I tell you it was really amazing... of course i wonder if i would be amazed at anything at that moment with a loratab in my system. well after that little thing i was sent back out front to wait you know let my eyes dilate to the maximum capacity... well about 45 minutes later they came and got me... I like that technician the guy with the eye patch is pretty informative. Well I took another Loratab when i got home and was down for the count for almost 24 hours.... but every thing has been blurry... all weekend in fact.... it has been very frustrating because i can't see... This morning it is alot better but still foggy... i know that it is due to the swelling but it is like one thing gets cleared up then another thing happens...

well yesterday was mother's day... I went to church and got a nice little mother's day bouquet... then i took mom out for mother's day lunch... then it was nap time again...

sorry folks my life is a little boring right now....

well tata for now...

Into the Tube

Well I had an interesting day yesterday... I had an MRI on my shoulder.... there is nothing like being slid into a tube that sounds like people are beating on it outside. I went to SMCC (Shawnee Medical Care Center) to have an MRI... I was taken to this room that had a huge round object with a hole in it. I am so glad I lost weight because i wouldn't have fit into that hole. but I was laid out on this bed thing strapped in headphones (to deaden the noise) and slid into this tube. My nose dragged along the roof. I kept my eyes closed was squeezed in at the shoulders and then this big WHAM WHAM WHAM thing started.... i was told it was the Magnets... but it sounded like hammers on the outside. for 30 minutes i had to stay in this thing... Good thing I wasn't claustrophobic. I just kept imagining myself in a tanning bed.

speaking of tanning beds... I am thinking of buying one.... I am going to look on ebay and see what i can find.... you know with this new body i am creating I don't want to have the bleached whale look this summer when i wear shorts.... or for that matter the blinding whiteness of my thighs shining in the water at the lake so that the fishes are attracted to them to nibble... I am sooooo white I glow people.... and I do not want to.. Nothing like seeing a big woman glowing in the dark... but it makes me easier to find i guess... hahaha... I will probably try tanning in a salon first but i will eventually get my own bed i think... that way i can tan when i want and not worry about other peoples germs....not that i am germaphobic... just you never know who has what.. and is it catchable...

well tomorrow is day one of my eye lasers.... mmmmm good thing that Doctor Davis prescribed me some pills... maybe i will slide right on through it... I DREAD it... no one really knows how bad it hurts until you have had it done... nothing like going in to have your eyes burned....

well tata for now... probably won't get back on until Friday or so... have a great day.

Sleep Sleep and More Sleep

This weekend was just one big sleep fest. and it felt good.... It was cold and rainy, dreay and just time to sit in the chair and watch the boob tube and sleep. I slept in the bed, in my recliner, in the other recliner and on the couch... and I turned on the heater because brrrr it was cold... I would have read but alas i couldn't see the words on a page this weekend so I watch tv, listen to tv and slept. It is so funny i sleep with blossem on my left side, daisy is on my right side and chloe sleeps between my legs... i know that i must look a site because usually we are all under the covers.... and talk about snoring... I know that I wasn't just the only one snoring... Daisey actually woke me up snoring so loud... she can almost peel the wallpaper off the walls and for such a little dog.... even though i call her fat girl (i hope that doesn't give her a complex). but i noticed this weekend that blossem started snoring louder and chloe always has snored.... OK in case you didn't know flat faced dogs snore big time... and i remember my Grandma Edna calling me late in the evening one time and getting mad at me because she thought i had a man in my bed because of all the snoring... I had to explain about pugs.... but I don't think she ever belived me because they do sound so loud.... Oh and I figured this out... Steven King's books you can watch the first part of one, catch the middle of another and the last of still another and they all make sense together... I just have to get thos dreams out of my head....

OK this morning I weighed 239... i have broken the barrier i set for myself..... 239... can you believe it.... soon well i hope soon... i will be seeing the 200 mark.... yeah yeah yeah... I wonder what size can i get to... maybe a 7.... heck i am just happy at a 16 as it is.... but the future looks good a 10 or 12 sound even better and within my sight.

I went out yesterday and checked my tomato plants and I have flowers on one.... so tomatos are on the way... that is if the cold weather doesn't get them.

well ta ta for now

Normal

Good lord went to the Doctor last week and asked him to run my numbers... you know the A1C (blood sugar average test) chloresterol, triglicerides, lipids... etc.... wellll this weight loss thing has done some good... although i was not on meds... my sugar though a little high was very low for me... it was averaged over 3 months at 149..... yeah... i asked to be put back on Metaformin so i could get my numbers down lower.... my chloresterol and triglicerides and lipids... were NORMAL not high normal these were Mid range or below... yeah yeah yeah... it is working....

Krispy Kreme's

Why is it that when you are on a diet or had WLS (weight loss surgery) or diabetic that the only thing that comes to mind are the things you can't have. Marc called me on his way to get Krispy Kreme's for his staff and asked if i wanted any.... Now he wasn't being mean he was going to actually bring me a cream stuff glazed donut. Oh what i wouldn't give for a warm Cream stuffed glazed donut. So now that is all I can think about... Oh the raspberry filled chocolate covered ones... or the hot just plain glazed. I have found that all the "bad" things that I can't have usually come to the fore front of my brain. Chocolate covered Strawberries from Godiva Chocolates in Tulsa came to mind the other night when I fixed White Chocolate SF Pudding and mixed in some strawberries. It wasn't the same and didn't take away the thought...At Easter it was Mom's Potato Salad that I couldn't get off my mind.... and what I wouldn't give for a coke. But I made this change knowing I wouldn't be able to have these things and I am sticking to it... No just "trying" it out or "just one bite won't hurt"... Unfortunately it will hurt... getting stuck is not something that I want to have happen... and "throwing up" is getting to be a bad thing for me... slimming and pb'ing are still things that I don't want to have happen either... so I sit here dreaming of what that Krispy Kreme would taste like drinking my soy milk and whey powder (chocolate) wishing it were the Krispy Kreme of yesterday.

hey all it has been raining so much here I have an Olympic sized pool in my back yard. my puggies were out swimming in it yesterday... Daisey my sweet little mentally challenged girl would just get up and move to another puddle after the one she was in grew to hot... her poor fat belly kept dragging the ground as she went from puddle to puddle... and lay down... Chloe on the other hand thought that she should jump all through out the back yard making a mess and getting mud on her blond hair... Blossem my old lady... just stood at the back door looking out like a little old lady never once wanting to get her paws wet...you know she is the sensible one of all three... Chloe found a turtle to bark out and raise hell with... it trespassed onto her back yard... I actually believe that it was swept into the back yard with the rolling water. hmmm Turtle surfing in Oklahoma... but that was the only thing that drew Blossem off the cement back porch and into the water... My girls are going to grow gills and webbing in between their toes before to long...

well tata for now..... love ya

Flubber, Blubber a useful thing

Well my shoulder pain has now been diagnosed right. I am not mad at the chiropractor because he did help but I just couldn't stand the damn pain I was in every time i tried to move my arm up or out to the side or even pick up Gavyn.... Yesterday I went to my Primary Care Physician Dr. Davis for my shoulder and because I have the crud... you know that snotty weather changing crap that I get or most people get every year. Well I went there because snot was being held up in my lapband pouch and not going through so when I ate or drank i was slimming or pb'ing... you think that is gross... be on my end... anyway... i mentioned my shoulder... showed dr. davis my lump and he sent me to a an orthopedic surgeon there in the clinc... which surprise of surprise he got me in immediately (because he had gotten done surgery and hospital rounds early) so off i go. he looked at my arm then sent me to Xray.... I have a bone spur a very large bone spur that is poking and ripping my rotater cuff every time I move it... and I am to have an MRI very soon to see how much damage i have had done... ok you ask just why did it all of a sudden start having pain... "LOSS of FAT".... the blubber i had on my shoulder had been cushioning that bone spur and so that is why I didn't have a lot of pain. so instead of cutting into the rotator cuff it was cutting into the blubber or flubber. and the big lump i have on the bicep that didn't show up until this all happened... well it is a FAT TUMOR something that hasn't been absorbed by my body... Can you believe this i start losing weight and then all the cushion i have built up over the years is leaving and i am finding more problems... i am beginning to wonder what i will find at the end of this journey...

ok.... 72lbs lost.... to me that is a lot of poundage... I am really very proud of myself... I am in a Misses size 16... yes not a woman's size 16. the differences is a woman's size 16 is cut larger at the hips.... sooooooo... a size 16 and I can buy at the regular stores... I can actually walk into a regular store and buy regular clothes... I have found that this is a lot of fat women's dream is to walk into a trendy store to buy off the rack.... you know i am glad i got lap band and it has helped me... it is a tool for me to lose weight... but you know I could have done this on my own... if i had been more diligent on my diet and exercise program... but i ignored it... i really could have lost the weight if I hadn't ignored the rules... the band is just helping me to lose weight just like a scale or smaller portions do.... I really wish i had done this years ago... taken Weight Watchers seriously or any diet seriously... and actually did them correctly instead of sneaking a bite here or a donut there... lets face it I was a sneaky eater.... and i sabotaged my own self... it wasn't that Weight Watchers did work (the many times I joined and went on it) it failed because I just didn't care enough to actually be good on it. You know hind sight is 20/20...

oh the eyes... well i sneezed and coughed and threw up hard, so much that i burst a blood vessel... on the inside of my eye... it was kind of weird it was like bug splatted on the windshield... I found out that it was in the same spot that all the bleeding has a occurred so there was no more damage than that had already been done... but if i could have held off the cough, sneeze or vomiting session i could have not burst it and it would have been sealed off next week... now I have RBC's that could stop me from having lasers in my right eye until it clears up... my eye doctor Jeffery Lee says that it should be cleared up enough by next week that i should not have any more problem but that is if i don't have any more bleeds... right now i just have a half moon at the top of my eye that I have to look through...

well folks i have to work.... tata for now... love ya

Next Meal

Have you watched Lord of the Rings they talked about "Fourth Meal". Well as a Fat person I always always think about my next meal. Something I have thought about for a while now. Why is it that I do think about my "next" meal. I think about what I want how i am going to get it an dhow much I want to eat of it and what all i want with it. then it is on to thinking about the "next " meal. I have no doubt that is why I am the way I am. Could it be because I have a need to fulfill. I don't know I don't even know if it is the "comfort" I need. Or because I use food to cover over all my problems... I do know that food is a habit though... Like a cigarette or a drug. I have come to that conclusion that I use it just like a Junkie would a drug. But I am not sure what it gives me in return... I eat until i was miserable so i would feel bad so there was no pleasure in it.... I would find myself eating without even thinking so ... what it is about Food that me as a Fat person needs or craves... it is like this weekend all i could think about is the next snack or next meal. I was bored and that was all i could think about was food. It wasn't a single thing I was craving it was just I don't know what to do with myself and sooooo lets eat. I have got to change this mind set. On the Obesityhelp.com web site people talk about "real" hunger and "head" hunger.... I think that I have always caved in to any hunger whether head or real. so is this just a thing with "fat" people... I know that it is with me and that is why I am fat... getting skinny but still fat.... also i wonder if it gets better... I sure hope so because I dislike thinking about the "next" meal knowing that I need to think about other things instead