Hurt and Despair

You know I try to treat everyone with respect and with compassion. I go out of my way for everyone I know. Friends, Family, and strangers it doesn't matter who it is I will do what I can for them... whether it is money, a shoulder, a hug, a home, or what ever it is that is needed. I love people I believe in them, trust them... and enevitably I am always shot through the head and heart. I don't understand why this happens... I don't know what i do to deserve this... I get the "I don't want to talk to you"... No explaination, the lies, the hurt... I cry myself to sleep... I spend wakeless nights... I sit in the shower and cry and cry while my heart breaks in tooo... all for what ---- Something that Means absolutely nothing... my friendship, my love, my compassion, my---- means so very little to anyone... that i can just be cut by the deceit... and left for "dead" as if i were nothing... not even a glimmer of in ones eye... People go "I Love You" but it means nothing... i find that they didn't love me at all... just wanted to use me... and as i always i fall for it... I believe it... and those damn little words bring me in and then tear me apart... Why do I mean so little to people... why is it ... I do not know....

The Census

Ok everyone who knows me knows that I am into Genealogy. I love learning about my family where they come from where they went to... why how etc... I love the proudness of my family. Over the last 20 years or so I have been collecting information on my family and most of it from the census. to be able to look at the pages where my grandfather or grandmother put their name occupation who all lived with them and what they did... where they were born and so forth. I just recieved this year's census... it asked for my name, birthday, phone number, address... who lived with me... but it didn't aske what i did... didn't ask anything about me than that... what's the deal.... oh i forgot it asked if i was white.... now to me that is way too little information they need... but then again the government knows to much.... but what if my great great grandchild wants to know about me... well what if i didn't leave anything behind for them to know what are they going to find out about me from the census... I lived in a home i bought in Okemah... I was born July 21, 1966 and i was caucasian... and i lived alone... wow and to think i am seeing from my grandfathers 1860 cenus i knew he was a farmer and he owned land... and slaves and so forth... and all his children both married and single lived with him or next door... I just hope that anyone who gets the cesus... does return it filled out... but also leaves behind a legacy to their family that tells them who they were what they thought, what they liked their passions... so that further down the road no one is just guessing...