Eye Thing Discovered and hopefully repairable

Well I finally got into the eye Doctor. and this is what he found. My RK Scars look wonderful and are at about 90 percent deep (don't know what this means but sounded ominous). and the scars that occurred during my laser surgeries this last year looked well. but aparently about a week ago about the same time that I started having problems.. I had a blood vessel burst and blood pooled in my retina on my left side causing me to become fuzzy(you know trying to see through a blood pool). It covers 1/3 of my iris causing parts of my sight to become blurry or bleed or just go away all together. according to the doctor this will clear up but he said that the blood pool was still attached to the vessel and that any jarring, heavy movements (like shakingmy head), rubbing my eyes, or just about anything could cause the blood pool to break off (which it should have done at the beginning), causing this to either reopen the blood vessel or it could just leave it alone. or it could possibly tear my retina causing complete blindness. hmmm what to do... well we tried to get me into Nanda (the eye surgeon) immediately like this morning but that was a no go... so we opted for observation of the situation until Nanda can get me in to do more laser surgery to cauterize the blood vessel. While in there looking he also saw several spots that were weakened by diabetes that could potentially break and for me to be careful with all activities... So in a nut shell i have to be careful...

now on to baby news... my boy is crawling... yeah yeah yeah... he started last night because he wanted a piece of paper.

Well this is Ridiculous

I am getting annoyed big time. My shoulder is feeling better but my eyes are blurrier than ever. And of course if I try to get into see my regular eye doctor here in Seminole it is like an act of God to even get him to see me... or I get attitude from his staff. to me it is an emergency i can't see I can't read the computer screen unless i zoom it in by 150 to 200 percent, I can't see the TV and i sure can not text (which everyone does to me). Reading a book is impossible luckily i listen to books on tape... and I am getting annoyed or pissed really fast. I can't get into see McRay until next week... so I am going to try this new doctor here the one that says he can help Macular Edema through Homeopathic. I am not sure about it all but I am so tired of not being able to make anything out... and I get headaches from straining to see... and I am scared I have done something to make this happen... and after the doctors told me that I could reverse these problems if I just lost weight. I know I need to lose weight and I am trying i really am... 15000 dollars worth of surgery to put a rubber band around my tummy and eating like a damn bird and I am trying... but to do all this and still not be able to save my sight or to have it become so blurred nothing can be done seems like a horrible horrible joke.... I am worried.. and hopefully in a few hours i can see this new doctor... hopefully he can just fit me in sometime today. oh God I hope so...

it's funny though my screen is blown up to 200 percent just so i can legibly type this stupid blog.

hope everyone is well....
hey i found a new recipe that i liked, I have made this before and here it is (it's from Blaine's Low Carb Kitchen on Fit TV)

Lemon Cheesecake with Cookie Crust
Cookie Crumb Crust:
1 cup sifted soy flour
2 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. salt
2 sticks of butter
1/2 cup artificial brown sugar
1/4 cup low carb white sweetener
1 tsp. vanilla
2 egg whites
1/4 cup low carb peanut butter
Cheesecake Filling:
2 pkgs. cream cheese
1/4 cup sour cream
1 cup low carb white sweetener
3 eggs
1 egg white
1 tsp. lemon extract
Grated rind of one lemon (approximately 2 tbsp.)
4 tbsp. butter melted
Cookie Preparation (approximately 1 net carb per cookie): Preheat oven to 400 degrees Sift together soy flour, baking powder and salt. Set aside. Cream one stick of butter with artificial brown sweetener and low carb white sweetener in mixer with wire whip attachment for 1 minute. Gradually add egg whites and continue to mix. Add vanilla and peanut butter and mix for 1 minute. Scrap sides of bowl with rubber spatula and add egg whites and continue to stir for 1 minute more. Gradually stir in the dry ingredients until mixed. Spoon out teaspoonfuls of dough and form into balls. Place on cookie sheet about 2 inches apart and flatten with fork into circles. Bake for 10 - 15 minutes until lightly brown. Remove from oven and let cool on rack. (Makes 24 cookies) Once cookies are cooled, grind 12 cookies in food processor and add 1 stick of melted butter. Press mixture onto bottom of greased spring form pan and blind bake for 10 minutes. Remove from oven to cool
Cheesecake Filling Preparation: Preheat oven to 300 degrees. Mix cream cheese in mixer with wire whip. Add sour cream, low carb sweetener, eggs, egg white, lemon extract, lemon rind and butter to bowl and continue to mix for 4-5 minutes. Pour mixture over cooled cookie crust in spring form pan and bake for 1 hour and 15 minutes in water bath. Remove from oven and let cool. Yields 8 Servings - approximately 7.1 net carbs per serving

Good Stormy Morning

Well driving into work this morning was a challenge it was raining to beat the band. Of course it started when I left out and stopped just after i got into the building. As usual i am wet. drowned dog look is in today.

Got my shoulder worked on... hahaha pulled the thing out of joint when i lifted the 40 gallon hot water heater. but it is back into place and now without any further ado i will have it working better. Still can't see crap... trying to get into an eye doctor around here is for the birds. And at some of their offices the staff act as if i am being an imposition to even call in and ask for an appointment even if I believe it is an emergency. and my blurred vision is actually an emergency to me...

Well i must work so good day folks.

Avon calling

Well folks i have become an Avon representative. hahahah can't you see me coming to your door step. I actually wanted to get a representative ship so i could purchase it on my own. but if anyone wants to buy that is fine.

you know my arm is even bigger lumpier... I have been over working it. and lord it hurts like heck. i can barely raise my arm above my head. or swing it across my chest. I have been icing it but it's not going down. I hope that tomorrow the chiropractor will fix it a little better. Lord lifting Gavyn was troublesome... I kept fearing that I would drop him. My arm was so weak and even with help on Friday I still had to pick him up because he wasn't feeling well. And then of course I had to take my Trash to the dump on Saturday (the extra stuff that the garbage truck wouldn't pick up) of course no help at all to get the hot water tank off the bed or anything... yep strong woman brenda did it all on her own while the garbage man watched me from the cab of his tractor. but i muscled it and bullied it into the big garbage bin. and that thing was no light weight. a 40 gallon water tank even empty was extremely heavy. of course that may be why my arm is double the size it was .. well i had to get it done.

I am still losing but now it has slowed down... I wish it were faster but it won't be. I know that next time I will have to get a fill because even though i am dieting i have noticed that I am able to eat more than i should. and while it is not what i was used to eating.. It is still more than i should. Next time I need to be closed off even more... yeah me....

I truly do not want a fat gut or a fat butt any more... I am ready to be a size 12 or so even a 14.... No more size 22/24 or 24/26.... of course those are going into the garage sale next weekend... i am now in a size 18/20... yeah yeah yeah

well my eyes are blurry today I can't read small letters and i am having trouble seeing the TV. I am not sure what is going on there either but i don't see Dr. Nanda until the 24 of April. I am thinking a trip to the regular eye doctor this week... Lord i am afraid i am going blind... and I don't want to... I have done all this Laser surgery, lapband, insulin medications etc to reverse this and I don't know what i will do if this doesn't work..

Oh well my friend tomorrow is another day.

Separated Muscles and straight necks

Well I went to the chiropractor this week. The Best thing I have done. But I went because my shoulder hurt and I had a lump on it. It was a debate as to whether I would go to see my regular doctor or the chiropractor but since I could get into the chiropractor that day and not into Dr. Davis until next week... I went with the Chiropractor. And you know i had only been suffering with this thing for 2 weeks... and waiting wasn't going to happen. I couldn't even put my arm above my head. So I went to this hot shot in the town of Horntown, don't try to find it on the map because if it is there i am totally shocked... but in a double wide trailer at the corner of 75 and 270 there is a miricle man named Dr. Mills. I walked in... he took exrays...Then proceeded to tell me i have a straight neck... now isn't that what i am supposed to have... nice and straight.. oh heck no... it is supposed to be curved... you know for that added cushion so your head doesn't fall off and is balanced right... he pointed out all the little features of the Brain Stem coming out of my skull and into my neck and how with my straight neck i was pinching off nerves and etc. found out that "neuropathy" the tingling and deadening of my hands and feet just might not be diabetic related... and stiff necks and headaches might not be high blood pressure related..and the walking lopsided is not because i am getting shorter on one side.... and according to Dr. Mills, the good looking genius of the chiropractic world, i could be fixed my him popping my neck back into place (that is curved). Now my shoulder that was another thing... I separated the muscles and allowed it to swell until I have a huge lump and upon that happening... I have my shoulder pain and moving my shoulder is not going to happen... of course i loved the fact that he made me lay down on this bed like thing and then he proceeded to push my back into place... of course the drill looing thing scared the crap out of me.. espeically when he put it near my ear... I wasn't sure i subscribed to the labotomy... but it didnt drill it hammered bones into place... It honestly looked like one of those hammers they use to kill cows at the butchers. kind of sounded like it to... but ohhhhh did it feel so good after the initial pop... then there were the bear hugs.. damn if my back didn't pop like a gatlin gun... all because he hugged me. the shoulder still hurts... i am stil putting ice on it... I go back on monday for another popping session... so i am excited... and maybe this headache will go away.

OH GO TO THE CHIROPRACTORS... because it feels better than the DRugs the other doctor's give... i think it may last longer too...

Grandparenting....

This last year I lost two women who were a big part of my life. My Grandma Edna and my Grandma Sherry. Both very different women but both just as dynamic in life as they were different. And I truly hope that I can be as dynamic in Gavyn's life as they were in mine and in my siblings, daughter and nieces and nephews. and I hope that Gavyn will think of me as highly as I did them.

I laugh to myself because I remember the weird things about these women... Grandma Edna had fake teeth since she was 18 and I remember her putting her teeth in a bowl with a lid on the kitchen counter whenever she went to bed. her lips would be all sunk back in her head and she talked funny as we went to bed with her. and she always always wore this net thingy on her head so her hair wouldn't get messed up. I particularly remember a blue satin one with a little knot thingy on top. and you know satin or silk was to be worn so you hair didn't get matted. oh the times we had when we all spent the night... Trey would sleep with Grandpa in his bed and Kim and I would sleep with Grandma in her bed... both beds in the same room just 3 foot apart. and you know those were the best of times... of course you know Grandpa Don could snore the paint off the walls but Grandma Edna could do the same... so you had to be asleep before them so you could get to sleep.

Now Grandma Sherry was a totally different case all together.... she could drink, cuss like a sailor and drive like a bat out of **** all the time pressing the gas for faster. She drove big cars and I often wonder if it was to make up for her being 5'2"... but who knows... We didn't spend the night with her while as kids...because she was a happening Grandma... she dated lots...and most people didn't know her real age... I often wondered if she even knew at times... she was a very young grandma even though she was close the same age as my other grandmother... she partied often and had the time of her life. She met my step grandfather in the 70's and it was the best marriage there ever was... the biggest memory i have of grandma is cussing out someone who was bigger than she was about a parking spot...but i did love the world out of her too.

both this last year went on to heaven or as a friend told me today to their mansion. and I know that they both look down and probably shake their heads at all the stuff we worry about but my memories of both are of the wonderful women they were and how much i loved them.. and how much an impact they made on my life and I just hope that I can be half the Grandmother that they were. I know that my Mom has become a wonderful grandmother who is both alike the two women above and so very different. and if I could just be 1/2 the grandmother she is too I would be as happy. So we will see what happens... I just hope i am highly thought of when I go to my mansion in heaven.

Motherhood.... trials and tribulations

I have been a mother since 1985. wow a whopping 23 years. but I remember when I was first a mom. Every little scratch, bump, cold, etc... I was freaking out. As most young mothers do. But yesterday my daughter was being a young mother... and I have to laugh because I used to be the same way but it was funny or not so funny to her. My poor baby Gavyn was sick yesterday. Running a fever, coughing, ear ache, among other things. My daughter was so upset and I can understand new baby, new things, new illnesses and with the television there are always new scares out there. I know as Gavyn gets older the scary things will be less... the turmoil of having a sick child will be less I know that by the time Jodi got into school that she was not allowed to call me to come home unless she was bleeding, vomiting or dead... bodily fluids had to be spilled before i would just jump up going and before i would let her come home from school... but with a baby who can't tell you what is wrong it is a terrifying almost traumatic thing to a young mom. I know one of these days my daughter will be just like I was... especially when Gavyn goes to school... but until then she is only in for more turmoil.

Hey all... i lost another 5 lbs... my new diet is working all the high protein low carbing.... so 61 lbs yeah.... believe me i am jumping for joy....

Garden is getting ready... I can't wait... Have got my Topsy Turvy's ready... they did so well last year I am sure that they will this year.... this year i am going to be planting cucumbers and squash in them... and also green beans... and in my new raised beds... some onions and peppers... yeah... yeah yeah... i can't wait...

well i am off to the showers to ready myself for the day.... I still need an idea of a business to start.... anyone????

****UPDATE**** lord it is only 8:45 in the morning and my day has gone to crap... I gained inches all over so now i am depressed...and life in general just keeps getting worse... why is it that NO ONE will give me just a break today... oh it's going to be a bad day...headache is coming on...

I am Happy!

You know i have found that many people believe that Fat people are not happy. That they are roly poly because they are unhappy human beings and by eating that is how they gain their happiness or that is how they forget they are unhappy.. You know that is not the case with me... I am fat because i love food. I enjoy my food. I enjoy cooking. I enjoy eating. I just eat to much and don't adhere to a diet. And because of that I gained weight, have diabetes, have high blood pressure, have high cholesterol, macular edema and other things. I didn't mean for this to happen.. but i didn't stop it either. and I am happy maybe i think i should have done things better but I am happy. Do I regret somethings in my life. sure I do and anyone who said they don't is lying. Do I wish i could change things sure but i accept responsibility for what I have done and i know that I can't go back and change things I just have to change them now. The only time I am unhappy is when someone tries to tell me that i am not. Sure I have my problems and sure i have my unhappy times... but generally I am a happy person.

Oh and I wish to put out there my friends who are going through troubles in their life. Peeps I am thinking of you, i love you and yours all the more and you are in my prayers.

And to Gavyn... i know you can't read but MIMI loves you very much even with your bump on the head... and even when you are spoiled rotten---- I DID NOT DO THAT!!!

New Leaf to turn over...

I met a friend the other day on Obesityhelp.com. It is actually great website all the people who have been struggling with weight loss. Getting Weight Loss Surgery (WLS), and all the types of WLS. I belong to the Oklahoma Site and a couploe of others but on there you talk to people about their lives and their weight loss or even the stress of it or the problems of it. One Person in particular has chosen to be my friend and help me create a diet that will help me lose, lose fast, and still be healthy. His name is Thomas Murray. He has quite a bit of recipes already to help with the High Protein and Low Carb Life style. and to be honest I can't say enough of what I think about this... or even what i think about Thomas other than I am greatful for his help. But in all this I found somthing new that I think everyone should try...it is call Flax-Z-Snax and I bought it at www.Netrition.com. It is a hot cereal that is very low carb. mix a half cup of your favorite flavor with a half cup of boiling water andmix. then add in fresh fruit, 1 tablespoon of cream and 1 tablespoon of butter. and mix in well.. it was so yummy...

New TV Show to Watch

Ok guys I have a new TV show I have to watch from now on... Operation Repo on Tru TV... That has got to be the craziest show to watch... Right beside Dog the Bounty Hunter. There is a woman on there that is a little heavty that repos cars or what ever... she is probably about my age or older... but she has a spike comingout of her lip... and pulls her short bottle blond hair up into small pony tails on either side of her head... and the best thing last night she was wearing a leopard mumu to repo a car in a parking lot and this is while she is fist fighting a skinny chick with a big mouth. It had to be the craziest show to ever see. I like shows like that... it makes me feel so blessed at times. I still have most of my teeth, my hair is still in good shape and the only piercings i have are on my ears... no tats (she had full arm tats). Not that anything is wrong with it... but well you know me sometimes you just have to be thankful that you live in a small town in the middle of no where.

Bikers

I got a new bike yesterday. It wasn't my idea it just showed up on my porch. And tada it was there when I got home. It even has a book carrier on the back. Now as most of you know I haven't ridden a bike since I was probably 6 and I have got to be the most clumsiest person in the world. I can find the only hole in the yard just by walking out in it. Actually probably near the last time I actually rode I swooped down the hill at Grandpa's house around the corner to go up the hill to mom and dad's wrecked my bike and sprang my ankle. Some of you will know just to point out my clumsiness that as I was walking to a restaurant i stepped up on the curb, Actually missed the curb caught my toe and tripped and fell. Sooo what am I going to do with a Bike besides probably kill myself in the process of staying on it. Now the person who gave it to me thinks that this will be good for me because we will go riding together... I have to laugh because I am going to have to learn to ride the darn thing before i go out into public and try to ride it. Well stay tuned skinned knees here I come... Well at my age I hope it is just skinned knees...

After yesterday's turmoil of having a storm come through I found the answer to the question does the band get tighter during Storms... Well this little tidbit was not in the pamphlet... YES High Pressure systems, Airplane Rides, High Altitude Places, Deep Sea Diving, any change in the air can cause little bubbles in the band causing it to tighten. and this is after your stomach swells because of that fact. That is why people can fart so much more healthier in Air Planes. Yes the article I read said that. Tiny little air pockets (bubbles) build up in your stomach and in your band causing the band to be so tight that even water won't go down... So next time I am going for an air ride I am going to make sure that my band is not tight... I wonder if Gas-X will work to cut down the bubbles...

well back to work at the Grind Stone... Hey would anyone be interested if I started a tanning and toning business... just wondering... Thinking of it anyway

Barometer is a working

Well it must be going to rain today. all weekend it was over cast and humid and my stomach was truly upset. I could feel it being tight. Well this morning it is extremely tight I feel like i will throw up any time now... so no eating at all... just liquids. This last weekend I ate mainly liquids or mushies (scrambled eggs, mashed bananas etc.) you know it is OK that this is like this I guess now i can add weather forecaster to my list of wondrous things that Brenda can do. I at least know when it will rain. hahaha...

I did something this weekend that helped me... I took a box of fat free sugar free vanilla pudding, two cups of milk (1% Braum's) and added sugar free coconut syrup and some mashed bananas... Found out that Sam's sells sugar free DaVinci syrups in different flavors... so get some from there if you can to add a little different flavor. nect time I am going to add protein powder to it to raise the protein..

Oh and got some Parmesan encrusted Tilapia at Sam's haven't eaten it yet but you just bake it... it looks good... maybe tonight well maybe tomorrow since the rain is supposed to be gone. it had a recipe for Mayo mixed with basil and tomatoes to go on top of it... I may just try it...

well off to the showers and then to work I go. You know I would like to start my own business I really need to look into that... because my idea of purchasing out my boss is completely gone...

signing off for today Brenda

Im just a bit weird

Well it has been a weird couple of days... starting with Friday.... my doctor proclaimed that I was a little weird. According to statistics between my 2nd week and the 6th week I shouldn't have lost but gained. Hardly anyone ever loses... well i LOST 17 lbs in that time period for a total of 56 lbs... so the doctor called me weird... a good weird but weird all the same. I do feel a little weird... I am not starving all the time... I eat a normal meal size... not supersized or maxed out or what have you... but I eat off a small salad plate and that is it. not extra eating... nothing on the side... I put the entirety of my meal on a plate and that is it. If i plan for a snack later on it is usually about 2 hours later. sometimes chocolate sometimes nutty... all the time sweet. but healthy.... I have been getting a lot of my recipes from www.theworldaccordingtoeggface.com but I have also found on www.obesityhelp.com there are fabulous recipes. I made "skyline" chili... its really a northern recipe because we use tomatoes around here... but it is ok... i used it to eat a turkeyweiner. Ok i know most who know me would believe that i am actually eating Turkey anything other than a turkey breast with gravy. but i am finding that some turkey things are ok... a weiner is ok... not like the jumbo sized beef weiners.... but sometimes you have to forgo a bit of taste for calories...

My First Fill

Well today is the day. I am kind of excited but sort of scared about it. I know that I will stand straight against a wall and drink a cup of water slowly as they insert a needle into my port and add saline solution into my band. successfully closing the upper stomach pouch so I will not be able to eat all I want. I can't even do that now but this will make it even harder. I am worried about all the throwing up that I have had that I may have twisted or turned over the port or done something wrong to the band. I am 98 percent sure that I haven't but it's that other 2 percent that I have. but I will find out today. Hmmmm so today is the big day the one I have been preparing for. I have been watching my calories and I have been doing very well on that point. I have lost a total of 56 lbs that can't be that bad... 15 inches lost.... My "big" clothes are loose and I have already started a box of "big" clothes to get rid of. yeah I can say I have "big" clothes...

It's the simple things

Lapband was the best thing I have ever done. I can't believe I didn't do this years ago. I went three years ago but chose not to do that because I was afraid i wouldn't get to eat again because food was my life. I lived for food. It's amazing when you take away the food and so what do you live for. Well yesterday my three girls were so happy to see me come home. Three little dogs so glad that Me... Brenda Faye Bean is home for the day and they just want to be around me. All evening the girls played with me bringing the ball and waiting for me to throw it. Listened to every word I said to them. And was happy when I petted them or spoke to them. It's the same with Gavyn. I go to pick him up. he smiles at me when I show up and raises his arms to me. I can't believe that I missed these signs a lot. In the next couple of weeks I am going to be putting a garden in and I have a couple of flower beds to put in and also to put in an herb garden. And there will be more of Gavyn's smiles to see and more antics of the girls to watch. You miss a lot when you are so focused on one thing.

Seeing Red

As most of you will know I am a pretty level headed person. It takes a lot to make me really pissed off or to steam and not very many people can make me do that. Two of the worst offences that I have against people are waste and stupidity oh and one more the thinking that they are better than me or others. In today's world i often meet people like that and I usually just cross them off and walk away because I really don't need to have that stuff in my life. But yesterday it just sort of crept in. I have a nice job I make enough to pay my bills (mortgage, car payment, utilities and other things in my life. I do make extravagances but I first make sure I pay the important bills. I am not complaining about my job or the amount of money I make because in today's economics I am just glad I have a job. Yesterday an acquaintance contacted me and proceeded to tell me about their problems - lack of money - need of allowance raise - the in ability to get the things they need. This would always be sad and I would be sympathetic but this person makes twice the amount I do per month. does not have a mortgage or car payment or even pays the utilities or other bills, This person doesn't even work but lives off their spouse. The more they complained to me the angrier I got until I actually was seeing red. I am not mad about that they make more than I do. But because of the audacity that they had to complain and wanted to find out what to do to get more. I know of people that can't even put food on their table or have to make choices as to which bills to pay each month and are behind more than ahead. But this person was pissed because they hadn't had a raise in their allowance in 4 years. Heck I haven't had a raise in 6 years but I am just glad to have a job. I know where the money goes where this person spends and I don't begrudge them for it but I have a problem with their ability to be ungrateful for what they do have and the fact that they think they are poor, down and out. Well enough of that I have calmed down alot... I slept on it and thought of better things like making my food and clothing donations to the poor closet at church.

Hey I fixed something this weekend that was good. It's a weight watchers recipe.

TACO SOUP
Makes 6 servings
1 pound ground beef browned
1 medium yellow onions diced
1 1/2 cups bush's best seasoned recipe black beans
1 3/4 cups bush's best cannellini beans
1 3/4 cups bush's best pinto beans
2 1/2 cups del monte diced tomatoes basil, garlic and
1 package taco seasoning mix
1 package ranch salad dressing mix
1 3/4 cups del monte fresh cut gold & white corn
4 ounces pace diced green chilies
Brown beef and onions. Add the rest and cook for 30 minutes... makes 6 servings 1 cup each....and will freeze well.

Well I am off to work... Hi HO HI HO it's off to work I go

Babysitting

I have a special little boy in my life - Gavyn. This weekend I got to keep him Friday and all day Saturday. At times after packing up the kitchen sink and all the rest and lugging it around to take him with me. I wonder if I will hold out. It's amazing how much crap you have to take with you just to take one little boy with you to shop or just out to eat. Bottle, powder milk, water bottle, at least 10 diapers, another change of clothes, wipes, ear medicine, cold medicine, gas medicine, teething rings, food, bib, spoon, nose squeezer thing, stroller and of course a binki. But I did it. Luckily my grandson is pretty good about going. At Lunch on Saturday we went to Red Lobster and he was so good full of smiles and keeping us entertained. and then to walmart. As long as the cart was going he wasn't upset. It was when we took him out to the car he started getting cranky. I am guessing he had hi fill of me or maybe it was the shopping but he cried all the way home. I have lost my touch of course i haven't been around a baby in a long while so i don't understand cries or yells or anything baby. The sad part is i think i understand my dogs better than Gavyn. But I wouldn't trade it... I love taking care of Gavyn. and being around him... but I know that I am glad when he goes home too... because this MiMI is tired.