The things I am Greatful For....

You know this time of year I think everyone should sit and reflect over the year over their blessings, trials and so forth. I have been doing so over the last few weeks and I have relized that i have been blessed so much this year that i can even begin to express even a small part of what i am greatful for.

I can however tell all of you that i am greatful for my family and friends for without you guys i would never ever be able to be at the point i am at now. able to see and able to get around. my mom and dad have been wonderful to me far more than they should have been and i can never begin to repay them for their help. Jodi , Gavyn and Doug have also been so good to me that i can never repay them toting the blind woman around, helping her walk and appointment trips and so forth. Marc has been good too to make sure i get where i need to go. Kimberly, Bill, Dalton and Colby have also been there to help with the simple chores or rides. and then the many phone calls, emails and just good thoughts from those of you that have done so. Believe me I can never repay all your kindness effieciently.

It is my hope and wishes that this year has been good to all of you and that next year will be even better.

Ok another point... Marc took me to Big Lots yesterday. has anyone ever been there... what a wonderful place... it is like a super big dollar store... big first Tonka trucks for 5 dollars... Madam Alexander dolls for 15 dollars... i know that these are last years or previous years items but they are new and just as nice for any child. Marc even bought some Banquet Complete Meals there for a 1 dollar. and at Walmart they were like 6 or 8 dollars... we actually went to Dollar Store too and there were complete outfits for boys... jeans, shirts and hats for 6 dollars... now i am finished with Christmas and the wrapping begins.... So far i have only had to rewrap 2 boxes. My grandpuppy Foxy, the Corgi had to help me out by chewing on the bows

Size 12 Jeans and a shot

i can't believe it... I am in a size 12 jeans.... pinch me i still can't believe it... and so many compliments today from Dr. Nanda and his staff... i am blushing...of courst my size 12 jeans over took the shot in the eye of avastin... Ok peples how many of you can allow a doctor to come at your eye with a needle. all without the benefit of a tranquilizer.... but 3rd time is a charm... hopefully it will do what it is supposed to do... clear the blood.... but if not maybe surgery in 2 months.... but until the the ultra sound showed no new growth and the hole in the macula is completely gone... just like those 159 lbs..... hmmmm SIZE `12...... i still can't believe my ass got into a size 12.... i haven't been a 12 since maybe middle school.... and i didn't even have to lay down onthe bed to button... i could stand up and actually button the button and zip up without any trouble... hmmm and in a size 12 no less... ok i think now i am just gloating....Christmas time is here... it is wonderful this christmas.... i am thinner... mom is thinner.... gavyn is here.... dad is getting around good.... jodi is still a pain in the fanny but i do appreciate her and love her to pieces.... hmmm i am so greatful for a lot of things.... my family, my friends.... my girls.... my doctors.... everything i am totally thankful and greatful for it all....

Eye Doctors and Eyes

Hi all. Well i went today to the regular eye doctor because i am needing new glasses. Well i already knew left eye was not an option as far as getting glasses and wasn't sure where my right eye was... but guess what... I can legally drive in the state of Oklahoma and all other 49 states.... for a one eyed driver i needed to have 20/80 vision or better... before i would have limitations set upon me... i have 20/35 vision... according to Dr. Lavale I am doing great for all that i have gone through... and he has ordered my glasses so that i can see things clearer... i am so thankful... he even told me that my eyes looked very good for as much as i have had done to them. But I get to start sewing again... and driving again... no one would understand it unless you have been without driving.... so just a couple more weeks... then look out.... tomorrow i go back to the surgeon and find out about another left eye surgery.... so on to better things... hmmm i am wondering which to do first... quilt wize.... i am thinking Jodi's wedding quilt... but then again i am thinking about one i saw in a magazine last night....Well Christmas is next week.... I only got Gavyn and Bailey things... I didn't get very much this year because money is tight... but Gavyn will love his new 4 wheeler... it is a little 12 volt battery powered 4 wheeler... i am excited about giving it to him... it is just big enough for him but he will love it... he loves the 4 wheeler and gator that his dad and Papa (my dad) have... I have found that the best place to get him some clothes is at the Dollar Store... nice little outfits that aren't name brand but 5 to 10 bucks for a whole outfit... that boy is growing so right now name brand wouldn't be a good thing.... Now Bailey who is Marc's daughter is 10... I got her a few things I think a young girl will like... of course i am relearning about young girls because Jodi wasn't a normal girl she didn't like the girly things... but Bailey does... Marc is having a hard time of it now because he has colon cancer that has spread to his liver.... he is going through 5 and 1/2 weeks of radiation and chemo and i know it is hard on him... and especially here at christmas... that is why i volunteered to help him buy christmas and birthday for Bailey... because he just couldn't go do it.... between 5 days of radiation and 5 days of chemo and working 5 or 6 days a weeks... it takes its toll on him... i do feel bad for him and i know he is having it tougher than i am... but i am in hopes that all will be ok for him in the end... hmmm being 40 and sick is for the birds... i am just lucky that it's my eyes and not a lot worse...

The Sleepover

The best thing about being a Mimi is that I can spoil the child and then send him home. Last night I had a sleep over. Now where else can a little man have corn dogs, cheetoes, jelly beans, yogos and crystal light, wear snow men pajamas and sleep with three dogs. Well Gavyn spent his first night with Mimi, i have to admit i was a little scared about having him there and having him want to go home but oh no he was ready to stay. Our night was wonderful he ate corn dogs and the like then we had a shower in mimi's big shower. he loved it. He could scream and have it echo, run through the water, and flap his hands and spray water all over the place. My shower is 5 feet by 6 feet with a large shower head in the center. we had a long warm shower shared by Chloe and Blossem, Daisy didn't want to get her paws wet but Chloe and Blossem loved running around the edge to get away from Gavyn. Then we got out and got dressed for bed... then we laid down for a winter nap.... oh and it took about 30 minutes to get all situated... the Girls were dislodged from around me and Gavyn sleeps wildly so they were misplaced most of the night. Gavyn slept the night through and was up at 4 a.m. but we laid back down for another 2 hours or so he thought it was fun to say boo at the top of his lung this morning at 4... but when he knew that the Girls had to sleep he laid quietly so they could get their beauty rest. I don't think his mother thought i was capable... but we did it.... got the first one out of the way.... and even had breakfast this morning.... athough he started acting up when his mother arrived...

I am Back..... just like the dinosaurs

Hi everyone, well I am Back.... yes i will probably watch Land Before Time--- with my grandson Gavyn. Well it has been a while. but i am 159 lbs less than i was last year at this time. My eyes are getting better --- well i hope. Right eye is doing ok... Left eye is still blank... but possible surgery to correct is right around the corner... I am hoping to get some pictures done for everyone to see the new and improved Brenda. 192 lbs... can you believe it... 192 i am below 200 lbs... my tat that i am going to get next year is going to commemorate it... yes me a tattoo...I actually could see my face the other day in the mirror... i almost didn't recognize myself and had to look again.... I almost looked like my high school pictures... well i was blonder then... but close... oh and i had a perm all the time back then too... but i am closer than i have been in years... and wearing a 12/14 is wonderful

hey everyone....

well it has been some time but i am back for the moment.... two saturday's ago the large blood clot desided to bust up imparing my eyesite in the process... the blood and the debris is covering the macula creating a distorted view like looking through vaseline. it has been difficult at best this last week... and then going to Dr. Nanda and get more laser treatments was not a fun time at all.... then Dr. Nanda told methat I may need a Viterectomy to remove the blood and debris.... believe me guys it is not somthing that i want to have happen...it was a fun time last week going to work because i really couldn't see out of my right eye and my weak eye which is the left was not up to par. I ran up on cars that i never saw... and people on the side of the road i never seen. It scared me a lot.

well this weekend has proved to be so bad.... i ended up getting sick with a bug .... and threw up slobber and so forth.... but i am better now....

well 82 lbs.... yeah yeah yeah......

ok.... i love schlotsky's bbq chicken pizza.... so i came up with something myself.... i took a rotisserie chicken, bbq sauce, onions, black olives and mozzarella cheese piled up on a low carb tortilla...

ok folks... i have blown this up to 150 percent and have typed this.... i can't see out of my eyes... soooo i am going to go now... love ya

Moved out to the lake

Well it is that time of year again.... Mom has moved out to the lake. I went out there yesterday and it was so cold coming off the water that we stayed inside the trailer. It seems to me a lot of trouble to just be out at the lake. But i guess for them it is fun....

I have babies now.... baby tomato's that is.... yeahhhhhh yeahhhh yeah.... i just found the little green balls this morning.... my Tomato Trees a working again this year....

well that is all folks....

Two New Teeth

I have to talk about my Grandson Gavyn... you can see pictures of him on his mom's blog (Just add Bugs) ... Gavyn is a precious thing I could say a gift from God or whatever but he is more than that... He is the reason I am alive.... I had to have a purpose in life and i have come to understand that the major part of my purpose was to have Jodi, a wonderful young woman whom I have had the enjoyment to watch grow up and and become a productive human being and although i can say a lot about my daughter and how much I love her and how much i appreciate her and how beautiful and how smart and so forth I am not going to do that today because I have to talk about another part of my purpose in life and that is her son Gavyn. Oh everyone he is a dream, healthy, smart, handsome.... of course he is also stubborn, spoiled, and moody but he is a great gift.... to have the time to watch this child grow over the last few months to watch him learn and to see him just live has been so very special. This last weekend he learned to drink from a straw... oh it was so funny to watch him just drink and drink and drink cold tea... his diapers were full by the end of the day... now we have two new teeth coming in the top ones he doesn't seem to whine about them but he chews on everything like my arm or my finger.... or a chewie.... i feel so sorry for him because if he could just get them through he feel so much better. Oh and he is a green bean boy... that boy loves green beans too bad his mother doesn't like veggies (my sister Kimberly is responsible for this) or else she would fix them for him... I can't wait to see what the next weeks, months, years bring for this boy or for me but I am sure going to enjoy all of it.
It's raining again today like we need more... oh I know in the summer we will be bitching about it but my yard is so water logged.... and the girls can't hardly go out to pee because the water is standing... and oh the ticks and mosquitos.... lord i hate those things... the ticks are ravenous this year and many of them....
well got to run my peeps.... tata for now.... love ya

I''m Back

Hey all, Good Monday Morning to everyone.... well I am back after last weeks laser. I have a lot to tell. Jodi took me up to Oklahoma Retinal Institute on Wednesday morning. my appointment was at 8 a.m. and we got there right on time. I took a Loratab that Dr. Davis gave me so that I would be calm and wouldn't fight it. Lord I do not know how people get hooked on those things. They knock me for a freaking loop. i took it in the car and by the time we arrived at the 7th floor my legs were jelly.... I could have been poured right out of the seat well i went in and the technician dilated my eyes and took a new scan... this thing is neat really neat it takes a real life picture of the inside of your eyes.... now this picture showed the big blood clot in my right eye that i keep looking through but it also showed the swelling near my retina and all the debris in both eyes... the Debris is the rbc (red blood cells) that have broken up but the particles are still in the eye... causing the visceral fluid to increase causing the swelling. the tech let me look at the pictures and you could see all of it.... all of the particles the blood clot and the swelling lump near the retina. I tell you it was really amazing... of course i wonder if i would be amazed at anything at that moment with a loratab in my system. well after that little thing i was sent back out front to wait you know let my eyes dilate to the maximum capacity... well about 45 minutes later they came and got me... I like that technician the guy with the eye patch is pretty informative. Well I took another Loratab when i got home and was down for the count for almost 24 hours.... but every thing has been blurry... all weekend in fact.... it has been very frustrating because i can't see... This morning it is alot better but still foggy... i know that it is due to the swelling but it is like one thing gets cleared up then another thing happens...

well yesterday was mother's day... I went to church and got a nice little mother's day bouquet... then i took mom out for mother's day lunch... then it was nap time again...

sorry folks my life is a little boring right now....

well tata for now...

Into the Tube

Well I had an interesting day yesterday... I had an MRI on my shoulder.... there is nothing like being slid into a tube that sounds like people are beating on it outside. I went to SMCC (Shawnee Medical Care Center) to have an MRI... I was taken to this room that had a huge round object with a hole in it. I am so glad I lost weight because i wouldn't have fit into that hole. but I was laid out on this bed thing strapped in headphones (to deaden the noise) and slid into this tube. My nose dragged along the roof. I kept my eyes closed was squeezed in at the shoulders and then this big WHAM WHAM WHAM thing started.... i was told it was the Magnets... but it sounded like hammers on the outside. for 30 minutes i had to stay in this thing... Good thing I wasn't claustrophobic. I just kept imagining myself in a tanning bed.

speaking of tanning beds... I am thinking of buying one.... I am going to look on ebay and see what i can find.... you know with this new body i am creating I don't want to have the bleached whale look this summer when i wear shorts.... or for that matter the blinding whiteness of my thighs shining in the water at the lake so that the fishes are attracted to them to nibble... I am sooooo white I glow people.... and I do not want to.. Nothing like seeing a big woman glowing in the dark... but it makes me easier to find i guess... hahaha... I will probably try tanning in a salon first but i will eventually get my own bed i think... that way i can tan when i want and not worry about other peoples germs....not that i am germaphobic... just you never know who has what.. and is it catchable...

well tomorrow is day one of my eye lasers.... mmmmm good thing that Doctor Davis prescribed me some pills... maybe i will slide right on through it... I DREAD it... no one really knows how bad it hurts until you have had it done... nothing like going in to have your eyes burned....

well tata for now... probably won't get back on until Friday or so... have a great day.

Sleep Sleep and More Sleep

This weekend was just one big sleep fest. and it felt good.... It was cold and rainy, dreay and just time to sit in the chair and watch the boob tube and sleep. I slept in the bed, in my recliner, in the other recliner and on the couch... and I turned on the heater because brrrr it was cold... I would have read but alas i couldn't see the words on a page this weekend so I watch tv, listen to tv and slept. It is so funny i sleep with blossem on my left side, daisy is on my right side and chloe sleeps between my legs... i know that i must look a site because usually we are all under the covers.... and talk about snoring... I know that I wasn't just the only one snoring... Daisey actually woke me up snoring so loud... she can almost peel the wallpaper off the walls and for such a little dog.... even though i call her fat girl (i hope that doesn't give her a complex). but i noticed this weekend that blossem started snoring louder and chloe always has snored.... OK in case you didn't know flat faced dogs snore big time... and i remember my Grandma Edna calling me late in the evening one time and getting mad at me because she thought i had a man in my bed because of all the snoring... I had to explain about pugs.... but I don't think she ever belived me because they do sound so loud.... Oh and I figured this out... Steven King's books you can watch the first part of one, catch the middle of another and the last of still another and they all make sense together... I just have to get thos dreams out of my head....

OK this morning I weighed 239... i have broken the barrier i set for myself..... 239... can you believe it.... soon well i hope soon... i will be seeing the 200 mark.... yeah yeah yeah... I wonder what size can i get to... maybe a 7.... heck i am just happy at a 16 as it is.... but the future looks good a 10 or 12 sound even better and within my sight.

I went out yesterday and checked my tomato plants and I have flowers on one.... so tomatos are on the way... that is if the cold weather doesn't get them.

well ta ta for now

Normal

Good lord went to the Doctor last week and asked him to run my numbers... you know the A1C (blood sugar average test) chloresterol, triglicerides, lipids... etc.... wellll this weight loss thing has done some good... although i was not on meds... my sugar though a little high was very low for me... it was averaged over 3 months at 149..... yeah... i asked to be put back on Metaformin so i could get my numbers down lower.... my chloresterol and triglicerides and lipids... were NORMAL not high normal these were Mid range or below... yeah yeah yeah... it is working....

Krispy Kreme's

Why is it that when you are on a diet or had WLS (weight loss surgery) or diabetic that the only thing that comes to mind are the things you can't have. Marc called me on his way to get Krispy Kreme's for his staff and asked if i wanted any.... Now he wasn't being mean he was going to actually bring me a cream stuff glazed donut. Oh what i wouldn't give for a warm Cream stuffed glazed donut. So now that is all I can think about... Oh the raspberry filled chocolate covered ones... or the hot just plain glazed. I have found that all the "bad" things that I can't have usually come to the fore front of my brain. Chocolate covered Strawberries from Godiva Chocolates in Tulsa came to mind the other night when I fixed White Chocolate SF Pudding and mixed in some strawberries. It wasn't the same and didn't take away the thought...At Easter it was Mom's Potato Salad that I couldn't get off my mind.... and what I wouldn't give for a coke. But I made this change knowing I wouldn't be able to have these things and I am sticking to it... No just "trying" it out or "just one bite won't hurt"... Unfortunately it will hurt... getting stuck is not something that I want to have happen... and "throwing up" is getting to be a bad thing for me... slimming and pb'ing are still things that I don't want to have happen either... so I sit here dreaming of what that Krispy Kreme would taste like drinking my soy milk and whey powder (chocolate) wishing it were the Krispy Kreme of yesterday.

hey all it has been raining so much here I have an Olympic sized pool in my back yard. my puggies were out swimming in it yesterday... Daisey my sweet little mentally challenged girl would just get up and move to another puddle after the one she was in grew to hot... her poor fat belly kept dragging the ground as she went from puddle to puddle... and lay down... Chloe on the other hand thought that she should jump all through out the back yard making a mess and getting mud on her blond hair... Blossem my old lady... just stood at the back door looking out like a little old lady never once wanting to get her paws wet...you know she is the sensible one of all three... Chloe found a turtle to bark out and raise hell with... it trespassed onto her back yard... I actually believe that it was swept into the back yard with the rolling water. hmmm Turtle surfing in Oklahoma... but that was the only thing that drew Blossem off the cement back porch and into the water... My girls are going to grow gills and webbing in between their toes before to long...

well tata for now..... love ya

Flubber, Blubber a useful thing

Well my shoulder pain has now been diagnosed right. I am not mad at the chiropractor because he did help but I just couldn't stand the damn pain I was in every time i tried to move my arm up or out to the side or even pick up Gavyn.... Yesterday I went to my Primary Care Physician Dr. Davis for my shoulder and because I have the crud... you know that snotty weather changing crap that I get or most people get every year. Well I went there because snot was being held up in my lapband pouch and not going through so when I ate or drank i was slimming or pb'ing... you think that is gross... be on my end... anyway... i mentioned my shoulder... showed dr. davis my lump and he sent me to a an orthopedic surgeon there in the clinc... which surprise of surprise he got me in immediately (because he had gotten done surgery and hospital rounds early) so off i go. he looked at my arm then sent me to Xray.... I have a bone spur a very large bone spur that is poking and ripping my rotater cuff every time I move it... and I am to have an MRI very soon to see how much damage i have had done... ok you ask just why did it all of a sudden start having pain... "LOSS of FAT".... the blubber i had on my shoulder had been cushioning that bone spur and so that is why I didn't have a lot of pain. so instead of cutting into the rotator cuff it was cutting into the blubber or flubber. and the big lump i have on the bicep that didn't show up until this all happened... well it is a FAT TUMOR something that hasn't been absorbed by my body... Can you believe this i start losing weight and then all the cushion i have built up over the years is leaving and i am finding more problems... i am beginning to wonder what i will find at the end of this journey...

ok.... 72lbs lost.... to me that is a lot of poundage... I am really very proud of myself... I am in a Misses size 16... yes not a woman's size 16. the differences is a woman's size 16 is cut larger at the hips.... sooooooo... a size 16 and I can buy at the regular stores... I can actually walk into a regular store and buy regular clothes... I have found that this is a lot of fat women's dream is to walk into a trendy store to buy off the rack.... you know i am glad i got lap band and it has helped me... it is a tool for me to lose weight... but you know I could have done this on my own... if i had been more diligent on my diet and exercise program... but i ignored it... i really could have lost the weight if I hadn't ignored the rules... the band is just helping me to lose weight just like a scale or smaller portions do.... I really wish i had done this years ago... taken Weight Watchers seriously or any diet seriously... and actually did them correctly instead of sneaking a bite here or a donut there... lets face it I was a sneaky eater.... and i sabotaged my own self... it wasn't that Weight Watchers did work (the many times I joined and went on it) it failed because I just didn't care enough to actually be good on it. You know hind sight is 20/20...

oh the eyes... well i sneezed and coughed and threw up hard, so much that i burst a blood vessel... on the inside of my eye... it was kind of weird it was like bug splatted on the windshield... I found out that it was in the same spot that all the bleeding has a occurred so there was no more damage than that had already been done... but if i could have held off the cough, sneeze or vomiting session i could have not burst it and it would have been sealed off next week... now I have RBC's that could stop me from having lasers in my right eye until it clears up... my eye doctor Jeffery Lee says that it should be cleared up enough by next week that i should not have any more problem but that is if i don't have any more bleeds... right now i just have a half moon at the top of my eye that I have to look through...

well folks i have to work.... tata for now... love ya

Next Meal

Have you watched Lord of the Rings they talked about "Fourth Meal". Well as a Fat person I always always think about my next meal. Something I have thought about for a while now. Why is it that I do think about my "next" meal. I think about what I want how i am going to get it an dhow much I want to eat of it and what all i want with it. then it is on to thinking about the "next " meal. I have no doubt that is why I am the way I am. Could it be because I have a need to fulfill. I don't know I don't even know if it is the "comfort" I need. Or because I use food to cover over all my problems... I do know that food is a habit though... Like a cigarette or a drug. I have come to that conclusion that I use it just like a Junkie would a drug. But I am not sure what it gives me in return... I eat until i was miserable so i would feel bad so there was no pleasure in it.... I would find myself eating without even thinking so ... what it is about Food that me as a Fat person needs or craves... it is like this weekend all i could think about is the next snack or next meal. I was bored and that was all i could think about was food. It wasn't a single thing I was craving it was just I don't know what to do with myself and sooooo lets eat. I have got to change this mind set. On the Obesityhelp.com web site people talk about "real" hunger and "head" hunger.... I think that I have always caved in to any hunger whether head or real. so is this just a thing with "fat" people... I know that it is with me and that is why I am fat... getting skinny but still fat.... also i wonder if it gets better... I sure hope so because I dislike thinking about the "next" meal knowing that I need to think about other things instead

Pioneer Days

I remember when i was a little girl when Pioneer Days meant parades, carnivals, eating things off sticks, rides, floats, horses and the like.... Pioneer Days now means a about 4 stands of stuff i don't need, food i can't eat, rides i wouldn't put my dog on and a parade that is over with in 2 minutes. It is kind of sad to think of all the fun i had a a kid... the Egg Toss, going to M & M to get a 1 cent pieceof gum.... the bins of cheap toys that for me were all the world... the sitting under the tree at other dime store to watch the parade... no more benchs under the trees that lined the street... heck there aren't any more trees... Jodi and I took Gavyn down town yesterday for Pioneer days... Turkey Leggs, cotton candy, lemonade, homemade root beer, funnel cakes and so forth. they had the trike races, and the egg toss but something is lost... it wasn't fun like it used to be.. people i didn't even know. the dime stores are gone now most of the stores are closed the streets are not as full and it is sad but the fun wasnt there any more.

A good Day

hey all Today was a good day. I got my boy for the most part. the little one didn't want to play by himself he kept crawling under my desk to get up on my lap. His mom blames me for corrupting him... I think it is her because he has to be entertained instead of entertaining himself. oh well she will learn.... but Gavyn and I were together most of the day. Poor little fellow had sore gums... and was horribly in pain... I felt so bad because he also was having a problem with allergies or something..we had to go pick up mommy so that she could take him to the doctor to help him...

I worked on my genealogy today and bought myself a web page creator so that i can get my Family page updated. I won't have to write or type out code it will automatically put it together. My girls have been playing all day. I think that Gavyn is scared of them a little because they bounce too much. I don't know if any of you ever have seen a pug(with the exception of Frank from Men in Black) but my girls are lively ones. They are flat faced, bug eyed, bouncy hyper little girls then they will keel over and lay flat out never moving but snoring non the less... Each has her own personality... My first girl was Rosie... she passed on a few years ago but she was a PUG... short, stout, squat, flat faced and blond... Smart as a whip though she was a good girl very quiet like an old lady. But everyday i worked she would crawl into my lap with her big bugged eyes and just quietly lay there never barking never quick moves just a solid old lady.... she wasn't old though just an old spirit... she passed on a couple of years ago... and i still miss her... the next one is Blossem... a tall leggy black female... flat faced, bugged eyes not your typical pug body... but full blood... she is the boss aroundhere... keeping everyone in line by hook or by crook She is always at my left side whether in the chair or on in bed. She really is a sweet girl but Chloe really gets under her skin at times. the next is Daisey. a big old black female... she has a big belly and is 10 lbs bigger than blossem... she has little ears that stick out a little and she is not that bright at times... but if you ever need a sweet girl then that is Daisey... she is shy and timid a little but ever the sweet girl.... Now there is Chloe.... oh my my my supposedly when i bought her she was a "mini" pug... not to get over 8 lbs. her mom and dad were very little but this little blond girl grew up... and at 17 lbs she is between blossem and daisey... wiry, vocal, bouncy, quick, darting, spooky of everything, and just down right bouncy she gets on every one's nerves... but she is a good girl... when she finally quiets down she is sweet girl too... but she doesn't like Jodi at all.... so when jodi is here we have a barking demon... So that is my girls... i hope to have pictures soon... so you can see my girls....

well it is evening.... and my boy tired me out completely... i am going to get to bed early....

tata folks...

Red is the color i see

Ok guys i went to the eye surgeon again today.... and it looks like another round of lasers are in store for me. I think i am just going to resign myself to the fact that I created to much damage and right now it is paying me back. I have thickened Visceral fluid (that means I have swelling in my macula and retina) I have growing weed like blood veins that are weak and thinning to burst. Not what i was hoping for but it is just another part of the journey. My eyes were blurry today very blurry due to the swelling... but that is what it is like almost every day. or with a dark cast over things (bloody water i look through)... the visceral fluid is thickened because of the RBC's (red blood cells) that are floating around in there... I don't know guys I don't know whether to be relieved or to be scared... I guess I should be happy that I wasn't worse I guess because being scared sure as hell isn't getting me anywhere except sleepless nights, worry lines and dark circles. I guess i will just keep blowing up my screen so that I can see it... My cousin Sweet Rete gave me the suggestion of looking for items that would help me out such as voiced control ed computer and so forth.... so i may do that... I don't want to lose my job or my insurance and not sure how much longer Mike is going to "allow" me to be sick before he throws me out into the street... (of which i am sure he has thought about several times)... I am going to try to call KATS (a taxi type service) I think I will try to hire them to drive me to my appointments instead of being a burden to family and friends but i don't know if they go that far or if i can even afford it... I know that all of you are getting tired of it anyway... Today was funny Daddy took me up to my appointment because he had one at another hospital today... we left my house at 5 a.m. just so we could miss the traffic... I was sitting in the lobby of my eye clinic (Integris Building D) at 6:30 a.m. along with the security guard... My appointment was at 8:45 a.m... I was able to watch all the employee's walk in today... I am thankful though because Daddy took me and because I couldn't see to drive to even come back home if i had drove... The did the dye test on me today... they shoot red dye into your vein and then in rapid succession shoot bright lighted pictures of your eye.... you see nothing but red, pink etc... again it made me sick as a dog i was bent over trying not to throw up afterward... Talk about photosynthesis. and of course with your eyes dilated also seeing is an impossibility but today they found the spots that will burst soon and the new growth... and what they have to "spot" weld and "kill" starting the 6th of May... You know funny thing Sweet Rete told me to think about my hobbies that I could incorporate into my life if I do go blind... All need me to see to do them... Quilting, Cooking, Genealogy, Gavyn, Puzzles, Gardening... oh well i will cross that bridge when i get there i guess...

Here is a fast easy recipe I found on Obesityhelp.com: I didn't add the almonds but replaced it with pecans...

Vivian’s OATMEAL ALMOND LACE COOKIES
1 ½ cup rolled oats
1/4 cup Spenda Brown Sugar Blend
1 t. baking powder
½ cup sliced almonds ( optional )
1/3 cup unsalted butter
1 lg. egg
½ t. vanilla
½ t. almond extract
1 t. cinnamon
Preheat oven to 350* Mix oats, sugar, baking powder, almonds. Then add butter ( melted ) egg. & flavorings & cinnamon. Drop by spoonfuls on prepared cookie sheet and flatten. Bake till starts to brown around the edges. Let cookies stand 2 minutes before removing from pan.

Oh here is a book everyone should read... it's about the "right" diet... and then tells you about the food you do eat like meat, beans, veggies etc... i got it from Amazon The Encyclopedia of Healing Foods

Signing off at 200% magnification... tata...

Side Effects of Somethings

Ok so I got my fill last week. and all went well but certain things such as this morning eggs didn't sit well with me... chicken didn't either yesterday... but all and all i threw up... ok gross you ought to be on my end of it... but i have done this a couple of times.... since last week and after it is over i literally see spots and lines across my eyes... ok scare me to death because "more bleeding" not something I want to have happen...because there has got to be a point in all this bleeding stuff that has got to be detrimental... I go back to Nanda this thursday but i am still worried about it... what if I bleed to much and my eyes don't have enough blood or what if i bleed so much that i damage the retina or the macula ... what then... I hate being a wimp or sounding like a drone about all my health issues... I actually enjoy myself but this little problem bothers me the most and it is the foremost on my mind... i went down to Look See so that Jeffry could dialate my eyes so i could be forwarned before going to Nanda tomorrow morning... well the spots i see is dried blood (RBC's) breaking off and floating... no new bleeds.. just floaties... yippee... this is going to work....

OK now on to better news.... TOMATO TREE... i know that all of you have seen the ad on tv... well i ordered them and have planted my tomatos, my cucumbers and my squash... all before last weeks Rain... and they are growing... i am going to have a great garden this year.... well hanging bags.... TOMATO TREEare wonderful better than the bags because you don't have to find a hook to hang them on... they come with their own a frame and they can hold 3 plants instead of one... and they are growing... if i have as good of luck as I did last year then my veggies will be bountiful.... I can't wait... the plants have alread doubled in size... also i recieved as my gift a strawberry topsy turvy.... and planted my strawberries... i think those will work too.... here is the website for the TOMATO TREE Now if you just want the Topsy Turvy.

well going to go now folks.... tata

Protein

Did you know that "PROTEIN" is essential to muscle repair, hair and nail growth, and healing... I didn't until I had bariatric surgery. That is why i drink protein drinks, and eat my protein (meat) first... before veggies and fruits...my typical day is like this...
Breakfast -
1 egg
2 slices of bacon
1/8 cup of cheese
2 tablespoons of soy milk light
1 pat of butter
OR
1 cup of soy milk light
1 scoop of protein powder (usually EAS chocolate or NECTAR Chocolate Truffle)

Morning snack
1 scoop of protein powder (usually NECTAR Strawberry or Cherry or even Lemon)
1 packet of crystal light Whatever flavor matches the Nector
2 cups of water

Lunch
1 small can of tuna or can of chicken
2 tablespoons of light mayo
2 dill pickle slices chopped
1 slice of onion chopped
1 teaspoon of dijon mustard
1 cup of chopped spinach leaves (try to eat dark green leafy lettuce)

Afternoon Snack
1 scoop of protein powder (NECTAR)
1 packet of crystal light
2 cups of water

Dinner
3 to 4 ounces of beef, chicken or fish (pork and I do not agree for some reason)
1 cup of spinach or romaine lettuce (again dark green leafy lettuce)
1/2 cup of some kind of veggies (green beans, squash, etc)
2 tablespoons of salad dressing (i use the regular stuff i don't eat that much so i eat it to go down)
2-4 tablespoons of something to go on top of my meat to go down usually a sauce of some type i have to have this because if not i throw up i usually make up something using 0% Fage Yogurt...

Evening Snack
Something low carb like Sugar Free Fat Free Pudding or a "cake" made from protein powders (as seen on www.theworldaccordingtoeggface.blogspot.com) or as most nights nothing at all

so as you can see i do not starve at all. My calories stay between 900 to 1200 per day 100 of those are protein, and 30-40 are net carbs (carbs minus fiber). I don't feel hungry and with the solid protein's i stay satisfied longer through out the day. I don't get the pangs of starvation like I did eating the high carb stuff i used to eat...

I have to tell something funny... I am drinking these high protein drinks and on saturday i went to see my niece off to her prom (by the way Lairen was beautiful) but on the way i was talking to my nephews the weight lifters. I know that they are weight lifting and we talked about drinking protein drinks well being the expert I gave my opinion to them... it was funny because i thought they had been drinking these drinks for the last year or so because they are gettin muscles... and they way they talked they knew about EAS and had drank the drinks and like them... i found out on Sunday after talking to their mom that they had only drank 4 of the premade ones (which are gross in my standards)and that was the extent of their knowledge and that their coach had told them what to get.... I was so impressed with myself because i could talk to them that i never stopped to realize that a lot of what i said they never heard of...Sometimes i am too full of myself

tata for now folks

Housecleaning....... hmmmm

well most who know me knows that I will wait until the very end to clean my house... I hate housework...it is like i would much rather have a stick in my eye before i want to do house work... well today my house got cleaned... and by a man no less...my friend Marc came down and cleaned up my house... well part of it... but will be back later to finish it... it will be nice to go home to a clean floor... picked up living room and neatened kitchen.... I just wish i could hire him on a daily basis... but i have to admit he keeps my yard very nice during the summer... and my plants watered... and the garden growing and the girls happy when he is there... but the house cleaning yippee... it's a good thing that he has a gene that makes him want everything clean... and not only will he clean but he scours, cloroxs, de germs, de bugs, de marks, and scrubs the grout... toilet bowls shine, floors shine or carpet is cleaned... My yard will be a show piece this year because Marc is very anal about it... but that is ok.... I like it when he can do my yard or clean my house... because that means I don't have to do it...Thank God for great friends

EYES EYES EVERYWHERE EYES

I wonder somtimes what in the world i have done to deserve this eye thing. I hate laser surgeries or even the dye crap that you have to take to let them see the breaks and the fissures and the broken spots. Of course it only makes me sick as a dog and makes me see red litereally. Have you ever seen RED.... it gives new meaning to rose colored glasses. everything is red or tinged or hued red. everything everybody everything. it's like jodi's face was brilliant pink.... light bulbs are blood red.... brown things are dark red... and the feeling you get is just one of weirdness. Now the time that Mark took me everything blue was gone... I couldn't see blue at all but the things that were blue were green in color... oh then of course there is the seeing of the bleeding veins... where it bursts out and all i see is the line of blood and the feathing of the blood as it dilutes in my sirus fluid... oh well i guess i will only go through what I can handle but i am getting tired of handling it....

I get my boy today. he has had a rash that looks bad. I wish he coudl talk so that we could help him when he is upset but now it is just a guessing game... but i do get my boy today...

ok here is a recipe that I have tried and it is good...

Sourthwest Lasguna
1 lbs of hamburger
1 can of black beans rinses and dried
1 package of taco seasoning
(1 cup of corn) this is optional and not for me
1 cup of salsa

15 ounces of ff ricotta cheese
1 cup of monterrey jack cheese
2 cloves of garlic
onion powder ( to your prefferece)
garlic powder
(9 low carb Lasguna noodles ( i don't use this either because i havent found the dreamfields kind
1 1/2 cup of your favorite spagetti sauce ( I used Low Carb Rao's Homemade Sauce Garlic)

Brown beef and drain ( also use a paper towel to sop up the rest of the grease) add black beans (corn) salsa and taco seasoning set aside

Mix ricotta, cheese, garlic, onion

layer in a 9 x 13 pan.... 3 noodles; half hamberger mix, 1/2 cup of spagetti sauce, half ricotta, 3 more noodles, rest of meat mix, 1/2 cup of spagetti sauce the rest of the ricotta. top with last three noodles 1/2 cup of spagetti sauce and 1 cup of monterry jack cheese... bake on 350 for 45 minutes...

**** note**** i don't eat corn because of my band nor do i eat pasta any more... so i made this using just three layers.... meat mix on bottom, 1 cup of spagetti sauce, ricotta cheese mix on top of that.... then 1/2 cup of spagetti sauce and cheese... i only baked it for 30 minutes.... it was good and gave me the lasguna fix.... freezes well too... i had 12 pieces... ate one... left one out of next night... froze the rest..

tata for now

Everything in Moderation

hey guys went to Dr. Eldridge and got my fill... 1 cc of saline solution put into my band... but the kicker is 68 lbs.... 68 lbs of fat gone.... go look at the meat aisle and just look at what 68 lbs looks like... it looks like a lot.... and you know it's not that hard to do if you just put your mind do it.... actually think out what it is you are going to put into your mouth... i should have been able to eat anytthing... before the band... but moderation.... Everything in moderation is the saying... it's true... if you think before you eat and only eat a moderate amount you won't get fat... eat grains, meats, veggies and fruits just like our fore fathers did...

Happy Happy Monday

Well today was just like any other day. work and home... you would think that it would be better but it was boring... I did go to Mr. Lee took a look at my eyes and declaired them good... but then on the way home I had a bleed... so apparently they weren't that good... I am beginning to think that my eyes start bleeding because of stress.... i had just taken a phone call and was terribly upset when i noticed my eyes bleeding... so need to destress.... before eyeballs explode...

made myself a treat...
chocolate almond mousse
1 package of sf ff chocolate fudge instant pudding mix
2 scoops of EAS whey powder
2 cups of silk soy milk plain
1/2 carton of cool whip free
1/2 cup of coconut (unsweetened)
1/2 cup of slivered almonds

mix pudding mix and whey powder and milk together
add in cool whip, coconut and almonds... refridgerate

it was good and is great...

Here comes Peter Cottontail

Well Happy Easter Everyone, Family and Friends alike. Today I started out totally in the dark literally. The electricity was off on the south side of Okemah. Yippee I had a mag light and had to wait until it lightened outside before i actually ventured out. with the electricity out so were my phones and for some reason the cell phones were out too. Needless to say I didn't make it to Sunrise service at the lake at 6:30 a.m. this morning of course i understand there were 10 people a lot better than I was to do that but not me... I did make it to church though i used the mag light to put on my makeup. you guys try doing that at on a rainy day using a mag light... i was just glad i got my makeup on straight and with no streaks. but all in all with it being rainy and cold it was a good day... it was Easter and i was able to spend it with my family. It was Gavyn's first Easter today I think it was like Christmas it was just another with a lot of people he didn't know and he got to flirt and show off.

OHHHHHHH major major major happiness time.... I wear a size 16 jeans... oh my it was the most wonderful thing to actually put those damn things on.... you have no idea i haven't seen a size 16 since I was 18.... yeah yeah yeah....... 16 16 16 my new favorite number

ohh another thing... i made a dessert to take was great.... here is the recipe...

Lemon Mousse

1 package of SF FF Lemon Pudding
2 cups of Silk Soy Milk Plain
1 scoop of Syntrex Nector Roadside Lemonade
1 tub of Crystal Light Lemonade
1 1/2 tubs of Cool Whip Free.
12 ounces of real Blueberries

mix pudding then mix all other stuff together.... it fixs your lemon pie fix.... makes 8 servings
Cal 138 Fat 1g;

well going to go for now.... electric is back on... and i need to clean house

Happy Good Friday

Well this is the Easter Weekend. We celebrate the death and rising of Christ. I am not an overtly Christian person but I do believe and I do appreciate all that Christ has given me. but i have to admit i am at times not a good christian like I should have signed up for the Prayer sessions or helping with the Easter egg hunt at church but i am a bit hung up on resting on the times i do have off. Today i was off not because my boss just let us off it takes a lot of pleading for it to happen but I was off. And we took Gavyn to have his Easter pictures taken he is 8 months old on the 14th... but so much has happened in that time. he is crawling and trying to walk. trying hard to pull himself up... getting more independent. Oh and teeth coming in and the "dada" and "talking"... I enjoy him so but when he gets tired it is Mommy time and i go home or Gavyn goes home... I have already paid my dues on that part.

my weight loss is going well i am at a stall but 62 lbs is not bad... i go and get a fill this next week so that should be fun... although i am not sure but something is going wrong this last week and i don't know if it is what i eat or how much or what but i have been slimming and pb'ing lots this week. and i found that i can't eat pork chops or roast at all. oh and after a session of slimming or pb'ing a person just can't even smell pork without puking... oh well... i can still eat bacon, ham and sausage... Chicken is getting hard to eat and not sure about that... so now i am down to steak, hamburger some chicken.... oh and lord no no turkey... this weekend mom is having the big Easter dinner... of which i can not eat anything but the ham. this is going to be so hard because i love her potato salad.... oh well i had to give that up.... Well happy egg day tomorrow....

Well I am back

hey everyone, i am back... hmmm nothing like a little bleeding blood vessels to stop a person from typing or reading on the internet. diabete's is an unforgiving disease. You never cure it, it never goes away, it can go into remission.... but it is forever with you. So you must be on top of it at all times. Low Carb dieting, counting calories obviously watching sugar content. At times I am very fustrated at it because why must I be inflicted with it when others in my family are not. what made me the choice persone for this. Well a lot of bad choices and lots and lots of weight gain. now back to the bleeding blood vessels. Do you know what Macular Edema is? Well it is the swelling of bloodvessels in your eyes and also the growing of new weaker blood vessels. well those itty bitty blood vessels burst or have weak spots.... Not a fun thing to watch when you are driving. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Diabetic_macular_edema.jpg take a look at that... now while i may say my eyes are bleeding not one person can see it on the outside of my eyes... but i can see it from the inside.... accross my vision i can see lines that burst out and then feather like blood in water... I can actually see it happening. then my eyes become foggy because blood covers my vision so i am looking through bloody water only i don't see red i see dark. now because of this i have to have laser surgery to cauterize the weak spots and kill the newer blood vessels that are growing. it hurts peeps... it hurts like a burn on your arm... it feels a lot like and smells a lot like burning your finger or arm on the heating element of an iron or stove (of which i have done several times)... or try the burn or smell of burning your hair with a curling iron. only they do about 100 to 200 precise laser burns on my eye if i am having a light laser.. and between 1500 to 2000 precise laser burns if i am having a heavy laser. Now when you get to Dr. Nanda's office you are taken back and given drops to dialate your eyes and then you are sat out in the waiting room for anywhere from 30 minutes to 3 hours (usually the 3 hours) then you are taken to this little room where you get more dialation drops and also deadening drops that deaden your eye balls so that they can do the surgery... you don't feel anything until about 20 minutes later after the laser... but you are held in place by nurses hands and your eye is held open by the doctor as he laser's your eyes through a magnifier. Your eyes water violently and swell and light becomes your enemy.... and seeing is non exsistant... that is why you have an escort to the front so they can fill out your check or get your card for you and put your pen where you have to sign... then out the door you go to find your driver home... you sit in the passenger seat with glasses and i usually with a coat over my head... as i said light is your enemy... and seeing not for a couple of days... driving actually i am released to drive at 24 hours after my actual surgery but i usually wait... and i keep my house dark. So there you have it... i am back i can see for the time being waiting for my bleeding to stop so i can go to Dr. Nanda on the 23rd for the beginning of my lasers...

Eye Thing Discovered and hopefully repairable

Well I finally got into the eye Doctor. and this is what he found. My RK Scars look wonderful and are at about 90 percent deep (don't know what this means but sounded ominous). and the scars that occurred during my laser surgeries this last year looked well. but aparently about a week ago about the same time that I started having problems.. I had a blood vessel burst and blood pooled in my retina on my left side causing me to become fuzzy(you know trying to see through a blood pool). It covers 1/3 of my iris causing parts of my sight to become blurry or bleed or just go away all together. according to the doctor this will clear up but he said that the blood pool was still attached to the vessel and that any jarring, heavy movements (like shakingmy head), rubbing my eyes, or just about anything could cause the blood pool to break off (which it should have done at the beginning), causing this to either reopen the blood vessel or it could just leave it alone. or it could possibly tear my retina causing complete blindness. hmmm what to do... well we tried to get me into Nanda (the eye surgeon) immediately like this morning but that was a no go... so we opted for observation of the situation until Nanda can get me in to do more laser surgery to cauterize the blood vessel. While in there looking he also saw several spots that were weakened by diabetes that could potentially break and for me to be careful with all activities... So in a nut shell i have to be careful...

now on to baby news... my boy is crawling... yeah yeah yeah... he started last night because he wanted a piece of paper.

Well this is Ridiculous

I am getting annoyed big time. My shoulder is feeling better but my eyes are blurrier than ever. And of course if I try to get into see my regular eye doctor here in Seminole it is like an act of God to even get him to see me... or I get attitude from his staff. to me it is an emergency i can't see I can't read the computer screen unless i zoom it in by 150 to 200 percent, I can't see the TV and i sure can not text (which everyone does to me). Reading a book is impossible luckily i listen to books on tape... and I am getting annoyed or pissed really fast. I can't get into see McRay until next week... so I am going to try this new doctor here the one that says he can help Macular Edema through Homeopathic. I am not sure about it all but I am so tired of not being able to make anything out... and I get headaches from straining to see... and I am scared I have done something to make this happen... and after the doctors told me that I could reverse these problems if I just lost weight. I know I need to lose weight and I am trying i really am... 15000 dollars worth of surgery to put a rubber band around my tummy and eating like a damn bird and I am trying... but to do all this and still not be able to save my sight or to have it become so blurred nothing can be done seems like a horrible horrible joke.... I am worried.. and hopefully in a few hours i can see this new doctor... hopefully he can just fit me in sometime today. oh God I hope so...

it's funny though my screen is blown up to 200 percent just so i can legibly type this stupid blog.

hope everyone is well....
hey i found a new recipe that i liked, I have made this before and here it is (it's from Blaine's Low Carb Kitchen on Fit TV)

Lemon Cheesecake with Cookie Crust
Cookie Crumb Crust:
1 cup sifted soy flour
2 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. salt
2 sticks of butter
1/2 cup artificial brown sugar
1/4 cup low carb white sweetener
1 tsp. vanilla
2 egg whites
1/4 cup low carb peanut butter
Cheesecake Filling:
2 pkgs. cream cheese
1/4 cup sour cream
1 cup low carb white sweetener
3 eggs
1 egg white
1 tsp. lemon extract
Grated rind of one lemon (approximately 2 tbsp.)
4 tbsp. butter melted
Cookie Preparation (approximately 1 net carb per cookie): Preheat oven to 400 degrees Sift together soy flour, baking powder and salt. Set aside. Cream one stick of butter with artificial brown sweetener and low carb white sweetener in mixer with wire whip attachment for 1 minute. Gradually add egg whites and continue to mix. Add vanilla and peanut butter and mix for 1 minute. Scrap sides of bowl with rubber spatula and add egg whites and continue to stir for 1 minute more. Gradually stir in the dry ingredients until mixed. Spoon out teaspoonfuls of dough and form into balls. Place on cookie sheet about 2 inches apart and flatten with fork into circles. Bake for 10 - 15 minutes until lightly brown. Remove from oven and let cool on rack. (Makes 24 cookies) Once cookies are cooled, grind 12 cookies in food processor and add 1 stick of melted butter. Press mixture onto bottom of greased spring form pan and blind bake for 10 minutes. Remove from oven to cool
Cheesecake Filling Preparation: Preheat oven to 300 degrees. Mix cream cheese in mixer with wire whip. Add sour cream, low carb sweetener, eggs, egg white, lemon extract, lemon rind and butter to bowl and continue to mix for 4-5 minutes. Pour mixture over cooled cookie crust in spring form pan and bake for 1 hour and 15 minutes in water bath. Remove from oven and let cool. Yields 8 Servings - approximately 7.1 net carbs per serving

Good Stormy Morning

Well driving into work this morning was a challenge it was raining to beat the band. Of course it started when I left out and stopped just after i got into the building. As usual i am wet. drowned dog look is in today.

Got my shoulder worked on... hahaha pulled the thing out of joint when i lifted the 40 gallon hot water heater. but it is back into place and now without any further ado i will have it working better. Still can't see crap... trying to get into an eye doctor around here is for the birds. And at some of their offices the staff act as if i am being an imposition to even call in and ask for an appointment even if I believe it is an emergency. and my blurred vision is actually an emergency to me...

Well i must work so good day folks.

Avon calling

Well folks i have become an Avon representative. hahahah can't you see me coming to your door step. I actually wanted to get a representative ship so i could purchase it on my own. but if anyone wants to buy that is fine.

you know my arm is even bigger lumpier... I have been over working it. and lord it hurts like heck. i can barely raise my arm above my head. or swing it across my chest. I have been icing it but it's not going down. I hope that tomorrow the chiropractor will fix it a little better. Lord lifting Gavyn was troublesome... I kept fearing that I would drop him. My arm was so weak and even with help on Friday I still had to pick him up because he wasn't feeling well. And then of course I had to take my Trash to the dump on Saturday (the extra stuff that the garbage truck wouldn't pick up) of course no help at all to get the hot water tank off the bed or anything... yep strong woman brenda did it all on her own while the garbage man watched me from the cab of his tractor. but i muscled it and bullied it into the big garbage bin. and that thing was no light weight. a 40 gallon water tank even empty was extremely heavy. of course that may be why my arm is double the size it was .. well i had to get it done.

I am still losing but now it has slowed down... I wish it were faster but it won't be. I know that next time I will have to get a fill because even though i am dieting i have noticed that I am able to eat more than i should. and while it is not what i was used to eating.. It is still more than i should. Next time I need to be closed off even more... yeah me....

I truly do not want a fat gut or a fat butt any more... I am ready to be a size 12 or so even a 14.... No more size 22/24 or 24/26.... of course those are going into the garage sale next weekend... i am now in a size 18/20... yeah yeah yeah

well my eyes are blurry today I can't read small letters and i am having trouble seeing the TV. I am not sure what is going on there either but i don't see Dr. Nanda until the 24 of April. I am thinking a trip to the regular eye doctor this week... Lord i am afraid i am going blind... and I don't want to... I have done all this Laser surgery, lapband, insulin medications etc to reverse this and I don't know what i will do if this doesn't work..

Oh well my friend tomorrow is another day.

Separated Muscles and straight necks

Well I went to the chiropractor this week. The Best thing I have done. But I went because my shoulder hurt and I had a lump on it. It was a debate as to whether I would go to see my regular doctor or the chiropractor but since I could get into the chiropractor that day and not into Dr. Davis until next week... I went with the Chiropractor. And you know i had only been suffering with this thing for 2 weeks... and waiting wasn't going to happen. I couldn't even put my arm above my head. So I went to this hot shot in the town of Horntown, don't try to find it on the map because if it is there i am totally shocked... but in a double wide trailer at the corner of 75 and 270 there is a miricle man named Dr. Mills. I walked in... he took exrays...Then proceeded to tell me i have a straight neck... now isn't that what i am supposed to have... nice and straight.. oh heck no... it is supposed to be curved... you know for that added cushion so your head doesn't fall off and is balanced right... he pointed out all the little features of the Brain Stem coming out of my skull and into my neck and how with my straight neck i was pinching off nerves and etc. found out that "neuropathy" the tingling and deadening of my hands and feet just might not be diabetic related... and stiff necks and headaches might not be high blood pressure related..and the walking lopsided is not because i am getting shorter on one side.... and according to Dr. Mills, the good looking genius of the chiropractic world, i could be fixed my him popping my neck back into place (that is curved). Now my shoulder that was another thing... I separated the muscles and allowed it to swell until I have a huge lump and upon that happening... I have my shoulder pain and moving my shoulder is not going to happen... of course i loved the fact that he made me lay down on this bed like thing and then he proceeded to push my back into place... of course the drill looing thing scared the crap out of me.. espeically when he put it near my ear... I wasn't sure i subscribed to the labotomy... but it didnt drill it hammered bones into place... It honestly looked like one of those hammers they use to kill cows at the butchers. kind of sounded like it to... but ohhhhh did it feel so good after the initial pop... then there were the bear hugs.. damn if my back didn't pop like a gatlin gun... all because he hugged me. the shoulder still hurts... i am stil putting ice on it... I go back on monday for another popping session... so i am excited... and maybe this headache will go away.

OH GO TO THE CHIROPRACTORS... because it feels better than the DRugs the other doctor's give... i think it may last longer too...

Grandparenting....

This last year I lost two women who were a big part of my life. My Grandma Edna and my Grandma Sherry. Both very different women but both just as dynamic in life as they were different. And I truly hope that I can be as dynamic in Gavyn's life as they were in mine and in my siblings, daughter and nieces and nephews. and I hope that Gavyn will think of me as highly as I did them.

I laugh to myself because I remember the weird things about these women... Grandma Edna had fake teeth since she was 18 and I remember her putting her teeth in a bowl with a lid on the kitchen counter whenever she went to bed. her lips would be all sunk back in her head and she talked funny as we went to bed with her. and she always always wore this net thingy on her head so her hair wouldn't get messed up. I particularly remember a blue satin one with a little knot thingy on top. and you know satin or silk was to be worn so you hair didn't get matted. oh the times we had when we all spent the night... Trey would sleep with Grandpa in his bed and Kim and I would sleep with Grandma in her bed... both beds in the same room just 3 foot apart. and you know those were the best of times... of course you know Grandpa Don could snore the paint off the walls but Grandma Edna could do the same... so you had to be asleep before them so you could get to sleep.

Now Grandma Sherry was a totally different case all together.... she could drink, cuss like a sailor and drive like a bat out of **** all the time pressing the gas for faster. She drove big cars and I often wonder if it was to make up for her being 5'2"... but who knows... We didn't spend the night with her while as kids...because she was a happening Grandma... she dated lots...and most people didn't know her real age... I often wondered if she even knew at times... she was a very young grandma even though she was close the same age as my other grandmother... she partied often and had the time of her life. She met my step grandfather in the 70's and it was the best marriage there ever was... the biggest memory i have of grandma is cussing out someone who was bigger than she was about a parking spot...but i did love the world out of her too.

both this last year went on to heaven or as a friend told me today to their mansion. and I know that they both look down and probably shake their heads at all the stuff we worry about but my memories of both are of the wonderful women they were and how much i loved them.. and how much an impact they made on my life and I just hope that I can be half the Grandmother that they were. I know that my Mom has become a wonderful grandmother who is both alike the two women above and so very different. and if I could just be 1/2 the grandmother she is too I would be as happy. So we will see what happens... I just hope i am highly thought of when I go to my mansion in heaven.

Motherhood.... trials and tribulations

I have been a mother since 1985. wow a whopping 23 years. but I remember when I was first a mom. Every little scratch, bump, cold, etc... I was freaking out. As most young mothers do. But yesterday my daughter was being a young mother... and I have to laugh because I used to be the same way but it was funny or not so funny to her. My poor baby Gavyn was sick yesterday. Running a fever, coughing, ear ache, among other things. My daughter was so upset and I can understand new baby, new things, new illnesses and with the television there are always new scares out there. I know as Gavyn gets older the scary things will be less... the turmoil of having a sick child will be less I know that by the time Jodi got into school that she was not allowed to call me to come home unless she was bleeding, vomiting or dead... bodily fluids had to be spilled before i would just jump up going and before i would let her come home from school... but with a baby who can't tell you what is wrong it is a terrifying almost traumatic thing to a young mom. I know one of these days my daughter will be just like I was... especially when Gavyn goes to school... but until then she is only in for more turmoil.

Hey all... i lost another 5 lbs... my new diet is working all the high protein low carbing.... so 61 lbs yeah.... believe me i am jumping for joy....

Garden is getting ready... I can't wait... Have got my Topsy Turvy's ready... they did so well last year I am sure that they will this year.... this year i am going to be planting cucumbers and squash in them... and also green beans... and in my new raised beds... some onions and peppers... yeah... yeah yeah... i can't wait...

well i am off to the showers to ready myself for the day.... I still need an idea of a business to start.... anyone????

****UPDATE**** lord it is only 8:45 in the morning and my day has gone to crap... I gained inches all over so now i am depressed...and life in general just keeps getting worse... why is it that NO ONE will give me just a break today... oh it's going to be a bad day...headache is coming on...

I am Happy!

You know i have found that many people believe that Fat people are not happy. That they are roly poly because they are unhappy human beings and by eating that is how they gain their happiness or that is how they forget they are unhappy.. You know that is not the case with me... I am fat because i love food. I enjoy my food. I enjoy cooking. I enjoy eating. I just eat to much and don't adhere to a diet. And because of that I gained weight, have diabetes, have high blood pressure, have high cholesterol, macular edema and other things. I didn't mean for this to happen.. but i didn't stop it either. and I am happy maybe i think i should have done things better but I am happy. Do I regret somethings in my life. sure I do and anyone who said they don't is lying. Do I wish i could change things sure but i accept responsibility for what I have done and i know that I can't go back and change things I just have to change them now. The only time I am unhappy is when someone tries to tell me that i am not. Sure I have my problems and sure i have my unhappy times... but generally I am a happy person.

Oh and I wish to put out there my friends who are going through troubles in their life. Peeps I am thinking of you, i love you and yours all the more and you are in my prayers.

And to Gavyn... i know you can't read but MIMI loves you very much even with your bump on the head... and even when you are spoiled rotten---- I DID NOT DO THAT!!!

New Leaf to turn over...

I met a friend the other day on Obesityhelp.com. It is actually great website all the people who have been struggling with weight loss. Getting Weight Loss Surgery (WLS), and all the types of WLS. I belong to the Oklahoma Site and a couploe of others but on there you talk to people about their lives and their weight loss or even the stress of it or the problems of it. One Person in particular has chosen to be my friend and help me create a diet that will help me lose, lose fast, and still be healthy. His name is Thomas Murray. He has quite a bit of recipes already to help with the High Protein and Low Carb Life style. and to be honest I can't say enough of what I think about this... or even what i think about Thomas other than I am greatful for his help. But in all this I found somthing new that I think everyone should try...it is call Flax-Z-Snax and I bought it at www.Netrition.com. It is a hot cereal that is very low carb. mix a half cup of your favorite flavor with a half cup of boiling water andmix. then add in fresh fruit, 1 tablespoon of cream and 1 tablespoon of butter. and mix in well.. it was so yummy...

New TV Show to Watch

Ok guys I have a new TV show I have to watch from now on... Operation Repo on Tru TV... That has got to be the craziest show to watch... Right beside Dog the Bounty Hunter. There is a woman on there that is a little heavty that repos cars or what ever... she is probably about my age or older... but she has a spike comingout of her lip... and pulls her short bottle blond hair up into small pony tails on either side of her head... and the best thing last night she was wearing a leopard mumu to repo a car in a parking lot and this is while she is fist fighting a skinny chick with a big mouth. It had to be the craziest show to ever see. I like shows like that... it makes me feel so blessed at times. I still have most of my teeth, my hair is still in good shape and the only piercings i have are on my ears... no tats (she had full arm tats). Not that anything is wrong with it... but well you know me sometimes you just have to be thankful that you live in a small town in the middle of no where.

Bikers

I got a new bike yesterday. It wasn't my idea it just showed up on my porch. And tada it was there when I got home. It even has a book carrier on the back. Now as most of you know I haven't ridden a bike since I was probably 6 and I have got to be the most clumsiest person in the world. I can find the only hole in the yard just by walking out in it. Actually probably near the last time I actually rode I swooped down the hill at Grandpa's house around the corner to go up the hill to mom and dad's wrecked my bike and sprang my ankle. Some of you will know just to point out my clumsiness that as I was walking to a restaurant i stepped up on the curb, Actually missed the curb caught my toe and tripped and fell. Sooo what am I going to do with a Bike besides probably kill myself in the process of staying on it. Now the person who gave it to me thinks that this will be good for me because we will go riding together... I have to laugh because I am going to have to learn to ride the darn thing before i go out into public and try to ride it. Well stay tuned skinned knees here I come... Well at my age I hope it is just skinned knees...

After yesterday's turmoil of having a storm come through I found the answer to the question does the band get tighter during Storms... Well this little tidbit was not in the pamphlet... YES High Pressure systems, Airplane Rides, High Altitude Places, Deep Sea Diving, any change in the air can cause little bubbles in the band causing it to tighten. and this is after your stomach swells because of that fact. That is why people can fart so much more healthier in Air Planes. Yes the article I read said that. Tiny little air pockets (bubbles) build up in your stomach and in your band causing the band to be so tight that even water won't go down... So next time I am going for an air ride I am going to make sure that my band is not tight... I wonder if Gas-X will work to cut down the bubbles...

well back to work at the Grind Stone... Hey would anyone be interested if I started a tanning and toning business... just wondering... Thinking of it anyway

Barometer is a working

Well it must be going to rain today. all weekend it was over cast and humid and my stomach was truly upset. I could feel it being tight. Well this morning it is extremely tight I feel like i will throw up any time now... so no eating at all... just liquids. This last weekend I ate mainly liquids or mushies (scrambled eggs, mashed bananas etc.) you know it is OK that this is like this I guess now i can add weather forecaster to my list of wondrous things that Brenda can do. I at least know when it will rain. hahaha...

I did something this weekend that helped me... I took a box of fat free sugar free vanilla pudding, two cups of milk (1% Braum's) and added sugar free coconut syrup and some mashed bananas... Found out that Sam's sells sugar free DaVinci syrups in different flavors... so get some from there if you can to add a little different flavor. nect time I am going to add protein powder to it to raise the protein..

Oh and got some Parmesan encrusted Tilapia at Sam's haven't eaten it yet but you just bake it... it looks good... maybe tonight well maybe tomorrow since the rain is supposed to be gone. it had a recipe for Mayo mixed with basil and tomatoes to go on top of it... I may just try it...

well off to the showers and then to work I go. You know I would like to start my own business I really need to look into that... because my idea of purchasing out my boss is completely gone...

signing off for today Brenda

Im just a bit weird

Well it has been a weird couple of days... starting with Friday.... my doctor proclaimed that I was a little weird. According to statistics between my 2nd week and the 6th week I shouldn't have lost but gained. Hardly anyone ever loses... well i LOST 17 lbs in that time period for a total of 56 lbs... so the doctor called me weird... a good weird but weird all the same. I do feel a little weird... I am not starving all the time... I eat a normal meal size... not supersized or maxed out or what have you... but I eat off a small salad plate and that is it. not extra eating... nothing on the side... I put the entirety of my meal on a plate and that is it. If i plan for a snack later on it is usually about 2 hours later. sometimes chocolate sometimes nutty... all the time sweet. but healthy.... I have been getting a lot of my recipes from www.theworldaccordingtoeggface.com but I have also found on www.obesityhelp.com there are fabulous recipes. I made "skyline" chili... its really a northern recipe because we use tomatoes around here... but it is ok... i used it to eat a turkeyweiner. Ok i know most who know me would believe that i am actually eating Turkey anything other than a turkey breast with gravy. but i am finding that some turkey things are ok... a weiner is ok... not like the jumbo sized beef weiners.... but sometimes you have to forgo a bit of taste for calories...

My First Fill

Well today is the day. I am kind of excited but sort of scared about it. I know that I will stand straight against a wall and drink a cup of water slowly as they insert a needle into my port and add saline solution into my band. successfully closing the upper stomach pouch so I will not be able to eat all I want. I can't even do that now but this will make it even harder. I am worried about all the throwing up that I have had that I may have twisted or turned over the port or done something wrong to the band. I am 98 percent sure that I haven't but it's that other 2 percent that I have. but I will find out today. Hmmmm so today is the big day the one I have been preparing for. I have been watching my calories and I have been doing very well on that point. I have lost a total of 56 lbs that can't be that bad... 15 inches lost.... My "big" clothes are loose and I have already started a box of "big" clothes to get rid of. yeah I can say I have "big" clothes...

It's the simple things

Lapband was the best thing I have ever done. I can't believe I didn't do this years ago. I went three years ago but chose not to do that because I was afraid i wouldn't get to eat again because food was my life. I lived for food. It's amazing when you take away the food and so what do you live for. Well yesterday my three girls were so happy to see me come home. Three little dogs so glad that Me... Brenda Faye Bean is home for the day and they just want to be around me. All evening the girls played with me bringing the ball and waiting for me to throw it. Listened to every word I said to them. And was happy when I petted them or spoke to them. It's the same with Gavyn. I go to pick him up. he smiles at me when I show up and raises his arms to me. I can't believe that I missed these signs a lot. In the next couple of weeks I am going to be putting a garden in and I have a couple of flower beds to put in and also to put in an herb garden. And there will be more of Gavyn's smiles to see and more antics of the girls to watch. You miss a lot when you are so focused on one thing.

Seeing Red

As most of you will know I am a pretty level headed person. It takes a lot to make me really pissed off or to steam and not very many people can make me do that. Two of the worst offences that I have against people are waste and stupidity oh and one more the thinking that they are better than me or others. In today's world i often meet people like that and I usually just cross them off and walk away because I really don't need to have that stuff in my life. But yesterday it just sort of crept in. I have a nice job I make enough to pay my bills (mortgage, car payment, utilities and other things in my life. I do make extravagances but I first make sure I pay the important bills. I am not complaining about my job or the amount of money I make because in today's economics I am just glad I have a job. Yesterday an acquaintance contacted me and proceeded to tell me about their problems - lack of money - need of allowance raise - the in ability to get the things they need. This would always be sad and I would be sympathetic but this person makes twice the amount I do per month. does not have a mortgage or car payment or even pays the utilities or other bills, This person doesn't even work but lives off their spouse. The more they complained to me the angrier I got until I actually was seeing red. I am not mad about that they make more than I do. But because of the audacity that they had to complain and wanted to find out what to do to get more. I know of people that can't even put food on their table or have to make choices as to which bills to pay each month and are behind more than ahead. But this person was pissed because they hadn't had a raise in their allowance in 4 years. Heck I haven't had a raise in 6 years but I am just glad to have a job. I know where the money goes where this person spends and I don't begrudge them for it but I have a problem with their ability to be ungrateful for what they do have and the fact that they think they are poor, down and out. Well enough of that I have calmed down alot... I slept on it and thought of better things like making my food and clothing donations to the poor closet at church.

Hey I fixed something this weekend that was good. It's a weight watchers recipe.

TACO SOUP
Makes 6 servings
1 pound ground beef browned
1 medium yellow onions diced
1 1/2 cups bush's best seasoned recipe black beans
1 3/4 cups bush's best cannellini beans
1 3/4 cups bush's best pinto beans
2 1/2 cups del monte diced tomatoes basil, garlic and
1 package taco seasoning mix
1 package ranch salad dressing mix
1 3/4 cups del monte fresh cut gold & white corn
4 ounces pace diced green chilies
Brown beef and onions. Add the rest and cook for 30 minutes... makes 6 servings 1 cup each....and will freeze well.

Well I am off to work... Hi HO HI HO it's off to work I go

Babysitting

I have a special little boy in my life - Gavyn. This weekend I got to keep him Friday and all day Saturday. At times after packing up the kitchen sink and all the rest and lugging it around to take him with me. I wonder if I will hold out. It's amazing how much crap you have to take with you just to take one little boy with you to shop or just out to eat. Bottle, powder milk, water bottle, at least 10 diapers, another change of clothes, wipes, ear medicine, cold medicine, gas medicine, teething rings, food, bib, spoon, nose squeezer thing, stroller and of course a binki. But I did it. Luckily my grandson is pretty good about going. At Lunch on Saturday we went to Red Lobster and he was so good full of smiles and keeping us entertained. and then to walmart. As long as the cart was going he wasn't upset. It was when we took him out to the car he started getting cranky. I am guessing he had hi fill of me or maybe it was the shopping but he cried all the way home. I have lost my touch of course i haven't been around a baby in a long while so i don't understand cries or yells or anything baby. The sad part is i think i understand my dogs better than Gavyn. But I wouldn't trade it... I love taking care of Gavyn. and being around him... but I know that I am glad when he goes home too... because this MiMI is tired.

Marriage and Singledom

You know in a million years i never would have thought that I would be single, divorced, and alone at 42 but I am. I really crave Marriage at times because i see my parents, sister and brother, my grandparents and so many others who have found the one and made it permanant. I wish things in this life could be different but it hasn't happened. I am not knocking being single though there are a lot of positive things being single and to be honest i have grown to enjoy it. but I still crave that one step that i havne't had. It is like all the things that go on in my life. just once i wish i could share that with a significant other and be able to hear their opinion instead of just going on my own... but I make due... or i stumble through it all on my own. well that was on my mind today...